Frustration

So I get frustrated.  Very easily.  Why you ask?  Because life is not fair always.  Or equal.  As some of you may know, I have been in a blended family situation most of my adult life.  It has not been easy.  The stepkids have ruled the roost on visits, taken over DH’s paycheque, and of course attention.  My son, bore the brunt of DH’s frustration of not having his own kids around.  He uses the special needs of my son, and the disrespect my son has for me as an excuse to be angry and frustrated with him, and sometimes rightfully so.  But sometimes I look and it breaks my heart.  SS has been out of the picture for a few years, I think we have had visits twice in almost two years from him.  On the other hand, while my son only visits now about once a week, he gets ignored by DH.  Not even more than a hello.  On the odd occastion when SS calls or texts or chats online with DH, DH gets so excited, and talks quite a bit.  MORE than just hello.  The fact that my son does not get even a smile, or DH is not even excited in the least to see him, he is more of a nuisance than anything, breaks my heart.  I have the ladies in my church praying for this.  I pray for this.  Their husbands are trying to “work” on DH.  But after years of this, it honestly will take a MIRACLE for this to change.  It hasn’t always been this way.  Some years DH and my son had a relationship.  Just as much if not more than with his own son who was not always around.  But that all changed.  When did it change?  When son decided to see his own bio dad again, when his attitude became like bio dads.  When dear son decided to get into drugs.  Alot.  When he started punching holes in the wall.  I don’t blame him for being frustrated with life.  He has so much stacked against him, learning disability, ptsd, anxiety, depression, and now a stepfather who treats his own son better than him. I get why he is mad.  Why is DH being such a dick? Is it because his own father never took an interest in him? Why he is a workaholic just like his dad?  Is it because my son is not biologically his? Is it because he could not get custody of his son no matter what he tried?  I have ALWAYS SAID and maintain to DH, you treat your son like you WANTED to be treated as a child and you treat mine like you WERE treated as a child.  #FML.  One woman can’t take the pressure.  I need help but no one seems to be able to help me.  Some days I wish I could just walk away.  I gave up having more children of my own for this.

Moving Forward

Best. Decision. Ever.

So if you recall such posts as…ok the one right before this….

I had decided to go see a fertility psychologist.  And hallelujah, praise the Lord, I can FINALLY move on.  But moving on does not mean forgetting.  Or grieving.  It just means that I can go on with my life.  Not staying stuck.  I have confirmation that it is OK to grieve, to be sad.  And I am entitled to grieve the loss of that dream and hope.

There will always be a part of me sad that my DH and I could not have a child together. There will always be the sadness of being a stepmom to kids who don’t want another mother figure.  There will always be a sadness that my own child has special needs, and I can’t fix them for him.  These are losses, and they will be grieved.

BUT I can move on, looking ahead to the next decade of my life.  How can I help others?  Where do my gifting’s lie?  What kind of job do I want to do for the next 10 years?  Do I want to retire early? Travel? Get involved in missions? Yes Yes Yes!

I can FINALLY focus on myself.  The drama of stepmother-hood will always be there, but having an empty nest is wonderful.  Time for all the things I enjoy, and most importantly time for DH and I to have that honeymoon phase we never did.

The psychologist even suggested that this was something I should do, focus on that man and our marriage, and we can do this in a way we never could before.  Not with the stress and drama of all the baggage from our past mistakes, and the fallout of the collateral damage with our kids.

It’s MY time.  It’s OUR time.

It’s TIME!

#3 Family

So post 3 of my gratitude challenge is supposed to be on family.

Family means something different to everyone.  It may mean the family you grew up with, biological or otherwise.  It may mean your friends, or work family.  It may mean the family you have as a single parent or with a significant other.

For as long as I can remember, all I wanted was a family of my own.  A family as an adult-one with children, biological or otherwise that would include several children, and a a loving spouse.

What I got in return for my prayers and dreams.  An ex spouse, a child at a young age with said ex, a new husband with two children in tow, and no more of my own children, biological or otherwise.

Wow.

So for me, family is not yet a complete thing.  It is not done.  I am waiting for God to bless me with others in my life that I can consider family.  More people for me to love.

The process of becoming a family unit has not happened for numerous reasons in our blended family.  I firmly believe though that God is not done with us yet, we have walked through fire and are still walking….albeit limping and wounded.  I am standing in the circle of prayer that God will bless us and make us a family, and that there is still one child missing.  I do believe that God will answer prayer.

That being said…..I am in the desert, I am still wandering, although I claim the promises of God, I have been waiting so long, building my patience, or character as some may say…that I have gone through many seasons of others having children, watching their children grow up….seeing all the baby announcements on facebook, being invited to baby showers (which I do not attend out of principle) and all the rest of the hoopla that goes with a new birth or adoption.  I have listened to those in the church say children are a blessing from the Lord and the more you have the more blessed you are….apparently I am cursed.

Living with a circumstantial depression has not been easy.  It has been almost life threatening.  No it has been life threatening.  I can say that the past year or so I have been fine with others having children, happy for them and had moved on to the reality that in my life it would not happen….still no baby showers, but I was no longer jealous.

Now, lately, this depression has reared its ugly head again. I know now that I am going to live with the regret of not having another child for the rest of my life.  It just is.

Family to me is not complete.

Some Days…..

Some days are just sad.  They just are.  Nothing can make the grief stop.  Medication can mask it.  Prayer can give me enough hope to keep going.  But nothing can stop the sadness.

Why does everyone have a family but me?  Why can’t we reproduce?  Why do the semi-grown kids from other people that we have want nothing to do with our lifestyle and home?  Why do they opt for the party, everything goes lifestyle instead?

Why do I see others in similar circumstances, or even worse…continuing in their life and able to have children together?  Why am I so cursed in something that is my biggest dream?  Why can’t I just have a family.

Why, why, why.

How do I plan for a life that will not include children…what else does one dream of?  All that there is left to dream is material. I don’t want material.

It is what it is.

I don’t have the answers, but I have to live the pain.

Letters we will never send…..

Sitting here on a rainy day…woke up with a horrible headache that won’t go away.

Just pondering life and why I have the one that I do.  Does everything in life happen because of our own choices? Is it karma? Is it God’s plan?  I think it’s a little bit of a, b and c.

At birth, our lives start out as a clean slate.  We are born helpless.  Some of us are privileged, some are born into poor families, third world countries, developed nations, healthy, sick.  We all start out differently.  As we grow, our environments shape much of who we become.

Then our conscious will enters the picture.  We start growing older, realizing that we will not be with our parents for the rest of our lives if we are able, independent adults.

We start making choices.  Some of those choices have ripple effects, for days, weeks, months and even years to come.  Sometimes things happen along the way that have to do with the negative impact of others choices, or even things that are no fault of our own….natural disasters, disease, crime, famine, war.

My life has been a series of errors, frustration and pain.  I have also been blessed beyond belief compared to those in other places.  I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, on weeks when I am really broke I can always afford bread, peanut butter, hot dogs and some sort of fruit.  My husbands job allows us to have a freezer full of red meat.  I have been blessed with a good job that supplies my needs, I am able to sponsor four children, supply my own child his needs, and send what is equal to a mortgage payment to my stepchildren each month so that they can have a roof and food.  And I can do this with a supportive husband, who works harder than anyone I know for little wages to contribute to these things as well.

Why should I not be happy then?  I feel like I am stuck in a life I did not ask for.  Through my own foolish choices, I became my own worst enemy.  The dreams and wishes I had for my life all went astray, and they have not returned yet.  I am working on it.

I chose an alcoholic for a first husband, one with mental health issues which have been passed along to my son.  I have been a great mom (not perfect by any means but one who tries more than most to do her best) to my son, who has severe learning issues, and mental health issues as well as drug addiction.  I have been a stepmother to two children who did not want a stepmom.  I have spent years driving them to and from school, one hour each way, leaving work early to accommodate their schedules, driving them to hockey practice, soccer, appointments. Racking up 600,000 km on my old car.  All while rarely seeing their dad as he was working so hard to contribute to our household and to send money to their mother. I have had health issues, depression, thoughts of suicide, bitterness, sadness, jealousy….the list goes on and on.

My biggest dream was to have a child with my husband, years and many tears later that has not happened.  At our ages it never will.  I am watching him still working himself to exhaustion to send money to an ex for his children that are now 21 and 17.  One out of school for three years and working but still living at home.

If I had to do it all over would I ?  I honestly can’t say that I would.  We are married, a couple in the eyes of the Lord, but what I am left with, is the remains and junk from someone else’s prior relationship, along with my own junk from mine.  We have three kids that want to go their own ways, be like their other parents, and resenting us because of how we try and guide them.  They want nothing of it or us.

My biggest annoyance, is and always has been his ex.  If I were able to send her a letter, this is what it would say.

Dear Devil.

From day one, I heard from everyone how horrible you are.  His family, friends,  I did not believe it.  No one can be that bad. Everyone has some good in them, I am sure you do. I am sure your life has not been easy.  But someone who is good, does not try to find ways to sabotage and destroy others.  They do not poison their children against others, they do not take advantage of others financially or otherwise.  They do not use systems in place to help people to their advantage and become lazy and not have to work an honest job.

When I chose your ex to marry, I did so with the understanding that I would do my best to be the absolute best stepmother I could be.  I would love your children like my own.  I found out that you cared little for them when they were young, preferring partying and sleeping around to being with your family.  I found out that you were negligent and saw first hand how you put yourself first.  I vowed to do my best to teach your children about God and his love.

I kept all the promises.

Before meeting my husband, you saw to it that he had two children “by accident”, unplanned, while supposedly on birth control.  I have had one pregnancy…planned while off birth control.  Your pattern of (now) three accidental pregnancies speaks for itself.  So taking care of two little ones while you were out and partying and finding attention from other guys, my husband took it upon himself to get himself fixed and make sure he did not have to look after a third child.  He was not planning on leaving his children, or you in his eyes marriage was no matter what.

Fast forward a few years, things in your woods were not changing, and adultery soon became your lifestyle. He married you because of the children and one year later you left…..again.  He was broken.  A few more times kicked out and he had finally had enough.  So he started a new life.  Soon I came into the picture (woohoo for me!) and I showed him what a relationship should look like, a caring loving one.

But the damage was done.  For many years, he was unable to fully open up emotionally, he was not able to work on our relationship as he was so damaged from yours.  He was at times mean, and bitter.

When it was time to try and keep his end of the bargain, try for a child of our own, I had to open up my bank account and wipe it clean to finance the operation needed for us to have a child biologically.  That was hard.  Knowing I had to pay for a situation that only existed because of you.  Life is not fair.  I found this out the hard way. The dreams we had for years then went on for many more years, medical procedures, counseling, failed adoptions.  A child of our own was not meant to be.

All the while I had to hear from your own children, how happy they were that you got pregnant not once but twice with your new boyfriend.  That you gave birth to a sibling for them.  Oh yes, the joy.  All the while sinking deeper and deeper into an dark dark place I could not get out of.  Realizing my dreams of having another child, giving my son a sibling were dead.  They were never to be. Wanting. To. Die. Every day for years.

Finally your children decided they no longer wanted to see us, the rules we put in place, the lifestyle we lived as Christians, they did not want to hear about.  Your poisoning words to them about everything we do.  Because your way is the right way.  Of course.

I can no longer let the bitterness inside me be there.  You are taking up too much space and I don’t like it.  You are not paying rent in my head so out you must go!  I no longer need to be angry.

I just want me back.  I want to live MY life with MY husband.

To love and live our dreams, both together and individually.  To be a family no matter if we have any kids in it or none at all.  To believe that life can be fulfilling and wonderful.  To fully embrace all my blessings, even if I do not see them each day.  To find a place of contentment in the Lord and all the things he has given me.  To be able to love, laugh and live.

You no longer matter.

Sincerely,

Blessed

Post Anxiety

I am having some serious blogging anxiety.  I have been thinking too much about this blog.  It’s not a masterpiece.  It’s not a work of art.  I don’t have to worry about being a blog failure since this is more a space to get out my thoughts.  Not to build an audience.

Today I am feeling like a failure. I am listening to the voice in my head (my Christian peeps will tell me that is Satan) whoever it is, it could be me….my own worst enemy, getting sucked into the negative self talk in my head again.

I feel like a failure in so many areas….but today it is about my infertility.

Truth be told, it is not MY infertility, it is my husband’s.  I can go out, have an affair and probably pop out a few dozen kids….he can’t.  That means that I am not a failure, just chose a partner based on love, and the idea that God would bless us with children of our own, that we would in fact be like so many others who went through the exact same journey and came out the other end with a child or two or three of their own.  Not so.

I know we have come through the almost 8 years of trying for a child of our own, medically, adoption, even considering that affair….(it’s still not too late….jk….mostly) have come through that, a mess at some points (ok most points) huge depression, wanting to take my own life, not able to leave my husband to start over with someone new, because I believe in marriage, I don’t want to have a second failed marriage….maybe it’s just my own fault.

No I don’t believe that, I believe that it is the sins and choices of others that made the choices that prevent ME now from carrying another child.  Those sins were done before I even knew my husband and will affect our lives forever.  The choices that were made on my husbands part when be believed he would be in an unhappy marriage forever and did not want more accidental children that he would have to look after himself.

That has all changed.  He left, we met and our marriage and life together is what we share.

I could say that I have come to accept a child will not be part of our marriage…that the children we have from our previous relationships are enough.  But that would be a lie.  I do not accept it.

The dreams of waking up sharing responsibilities for a baby that we both want and love will never be.  The joy of being a mom again, to another child of my own…one I can raise in a stable environment and with support and choices will never be.  I

will not say it is ok.  It is not ok with me. It will never be ok, but it is something I have grieved for eight years….something we wanted and planned for, for a decade.

Looking back I have healed…at least from where I was before.

I am not that woman that wants to die.  That feels like getting out of bed each and every day is useless. That pulls on whatever clothes are around on and puts one foot out the door and forces herself into the workplace, each and every day.  That goes on with her week pretending she is fine.  That breaks down crying several times a day at her desk.  Shutting her door to not hear everyone else around her.  The one that goes to church and smiles at all the other mothers and their broods of children.  The one that used to reject any and all invitations to baby showers.  (ok I still do that)

I have grieved, and healed…somewhat.  But it will never be gone.  That sorrow will always be there.

Every time I hear the news of another pregnancy, another baby shower, another mom sharing the joys of her child(ren) and all the blessing they bring. The pain comes back.

Every time I hear the other mothers complain how hard it is to raise those kids, and the pregnant woman complain about the negatives of pregnancy. The pain comes back.

Every time I have to hear about my husband’s ex and her ability to go on and have more children of her own. To hear his kids talk about their sibling with joy and happiness.  The pain comes back.

Life is not kind, life is not fair.

I will always grieve even when I wear a smile on my face.  This I have come to accept.

And that is ok.

First Post?!

After a few (ok more than a few) years away from blogging….I am back…with a bit of trepidation.  At 37, I feel like I have surpassed most people in the life experiences category…without going into a long story (cause who wants the juicy details anyway) I have lived a life of probably a 50 year old….well maybe 60 for some that have had boring lives.

Starting out young and being a bit of a rebel has alot to do with it, going against the grain, uphill…that’s my style.  Why make things easy on myself right? My biggest issue now is what to write about in this new blog.  Most of the articles I have read lately on blogging suggest you need a “theme” for your blog.  In the past I have had blogs about books I am reading, travel/mission blog, and a blended family (or as I like to refer to it…shoot me now family) blog.  They start out great but somewhere along the way I always lose myself and become a cynical, jaded writer.  I become quite negative.  This is why I do not blog.

But looking at my life sitting here at 37, all the things I have accomplished….and not, I started to realize that the more negative I am, the more I am not enjoying life.  Complaining is not self care.  Self care is NOT narcissistic, it is just taking care of ones happiness.  Being responsible for oneself.  So…..I vow that this blog will be (for the most part) positive.

So…..now what do I blog about.  I had a few ideas, things I love, reading, travel bucket list, photography, creativity-ie my new love of adult coloring therapy (seriously people you all need to try this)…but I could not pick just one.

This very ADD girl, who always has five projects on the go, three never completed and about ten more waiting to start….has decided I am NOT picking a topic for my blog.

I am not a stay at home mom (love you christian stay at home moms who pop out kids like candy and then bake them cookies…seriously I do love y’all) I happen to work full time, commute and try and keep my house semi clean (or at least shove the garbage where you can’t see it and try and dust once a month 🙂 I don’t enjoy cooking (although this may change) have a teenager who is out of control to say the least with special needs…..and I have a degenerative brain disease, which won’t kill me….but it sure takes the wind out of my sails….can anyone say chronic fatigue…let’s all say it together….tired as shit.

Wow, when I put it that way….I kick ass!!  So this blog I have decided…will be about EVERYTHING.  What ever my little heart wants, or needs to write about.  I can’t promise I will keep it super up to date…but at least it will be my own little spot in the world.