Frustration

So I get frustrated.  Very easily.  Why you ask?  Because life is not fair always.  Or equal.  As some of you may know, I have been in a blended family situation most of my adult life.  It has not been easy.  The stepkids have ruled the roost on visits, taken over DH’s paycheque, and of course attention.  My son, bore the brunt of DH’s frustration of not having his own kids around.  He uses the special needs of my son, and the disrespect my son has for me as an excuse to be angry and frustrated with him, and sometimes rightfully so.  But sometimes I look and it breaks my heart.  SS has been out of the picture for a few years, I think we have had visits twice in almost two years from him.  On the other hand, while my son only visits now about once a week, he gets ignored by DH.  Not even more than a hello.  On the odd occastion when SS calls or texts or chats online with DH, DH gets so excited, and talks quite a bit.  MORE than just hello.  The fact that my son does not get even a smile, or DH is not even excited in the least to see him, he is more of a nuisance than anything, breaks my heart.  I have the ladies in my church praying for this.  I pray for this.  Their husbands are trying to “work” on DH.  But after years of this, it honestly will take a MIRACLE for this to change.  It hasn’t always been this way.  Some years DH and my son had a relationship.  Just as much if not more than with his own son who was not always around.  But that all changed.  When did it change?  When son decided to see his own bio dad again, when his attitude became like bio dads.  When dear son decided to get into drugs.  Alot.  When he started punching holes in the wall.  I don’t blame him for being frustrated with life.  He has so much stacked against him, learning disability, ptsd, anxiety, depression, and now a stepfather who treats his own son better than him. I get why he is mad.  Why is DH being such a dick? Is it because his own father never took an interest in him? Why he is a workaholic just like his dad?  Is it because my son is not biologically his? Is it because he could not get custody of his son no matter what he tried?  I have ALWAYS SAID and maintain to DH, you treat your son like you WANTED to be treated as a child and you treat mine like you WERE treated as a child.  #FML.  One woman can’t take the pressure.  I need help but no one seems to be able to help me.  Some days I wish I could just walk away.  I gave up having more children of my own for this.

#7 A Friend

Not sure where to go with this one.  I have had friends over the years.  Some good, some not so good.  Right now, at 37 in my adult life….I would have to say I do not have any super close friends.

From 21 till now I have been raising a super high need-special need child.  From 26 onward I was responsible for those two stepkids that I keep mentioning want nothing to do with us….thanks bio mom, your PAS worked!  And carting them back and forth to school, activities etc on weekends and the 12+ days we had them a month, wore me out!

Being at home making meals, doing laundry and relaxing after my full time job were how I spent my “down time”.  Weekends were spent with or without hubby.  Friends were not high on the priority list.

I was able to make friends at work, but being so far away not as easy to get together on weekends…plus working together and hanging out can be a bit much of a good thing lol.  The past few years, I have been able to make friends in the various churches we have attended, but nothing that lasted.  People moved away, started their own families, moved churches etc.

Now, I have met two friends I would consider in my inner circle.  One is a stepmom, and has suffered depression as I, she is a bit older but in an older wiser sister kind of way.  The other is also older, has a special needs child who is even more needier than mine.  I feel able to share, let loose, cry and laugh with both these special friends.

At the same time, my life is still busy but in another way.  Chronic fatigue takes over and I am not able to do as much as I used to.  Time at home and relaxing has been my main goal as of late.  I do cherish and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and I don’t have a best or favourite friend.  They all shine just as bright in my eyes!