Keep your chin up!

….or so they say.

Today is a bad day.  Well a bad week.

I have been dreading and looking forward at the same time to the apt I have set with an infertility psychologist.  I need to put this fertility issue behind me once and for all.  All the back and forth, the dreams that have been shattered. They need to go behind me, not walk with me every day.  I don’t want to cry when I hear a baby announcement, I don’t want to avoid family…or anyone with kids.  I just want to be ok with it.  And I’m not.  How do you just give that up?  My biological clock has not stopped ticking for 10 years, when the possibility of not only a second child, but a child WITH my soon to be husband, entered the picture.

The dream is not dead for me.  So I guess I am looking for the psychologist to help me slaughter it, skin it, and bury it.  Once. And. For. All.

Is that even possible?

I guess I will have more answers to that next week.  For this week, I am in one of those spaces of life where the despair is taking over.  Where all the negative in my life, (those often ungrateful step kids)…that DONT belong to me in any way shape or form, remind me of that losss every time I hear their voice, name, or they come for a visit.  All the reminders of how I have failed my own son, by trying most times TOO hard.  All the times I am reminded of just how this failed dream is one more sign pointing to ME as an ultimate FAILURE.

How does one go on?  What dreams can one have that even come close to measuring up to sharing a child with someone?  I mean really.  Houses, cars, trips, material posessions, don’t make a lasting impression in ones memory of life.

Today I am just FUCKING PISSED AT THE WORLD!

#6 The city you live in

Ummmm.  Small.  That is one way to describe it.  I don’t actually live in a city (thank goodness).  I was raised in the country, and in the country I will remain.  Until such time as I may need health services closer by.

I tried living in the city.  Once.  That was enough.  I was raised in a quiet community of about 1500, on the outskirts of town.  Today, I have one neighbour.  The closest city of about 10k is half hour drive from me.  I like it this way.

Going to “the big city” is an hour, and something to look forward to, just like when I was young.  Shopping may be more expensive in my little community, but the peace and nature surrounding me beats staring at asphalt all day long.

There is something to be said for coyotes and deer in your backyard!

Best Year Ever!

Oh my goodness…oh my goodness…oh my goodness!

This year I have decided, will be my BEST year ever!  True story.

I am so excited for the year to start and see what lies ahead.  I am so embracing all my blessings and all the wonderful things in my life.

I am truly living for each moment.

Wow.  I know.  If you have been following my blog, I bet you think I fell and hit my head.

What prompted this new outlook and will it continue?  I am hoping so.

A few things have changed.  First and probably the most important: My husband.

He has been REALLY stepping up over the past year.  I didn’t see it all at first.  I guess I kind of hit rock bottom last year.  Everything around us was falling apart.  Not us per sea, but everything around us.  The worst of the worst.  Kid issues, financial problems, health problems…it just kept coming and coming.  Enter my honey.  Wow.  He was the rock I needed last year.  The voice of reason.  The one who kept me going.

That’s not to say he doesn’t have his baggage (and there is a whole truckload of it from ex’s to family to job issues).  But he really came together when we needed it.  He treated me (and still is) like a queen.  When I could not pull anything together, he kept it all going, the dishes and laundry done, the food on the table cooked oh so wonderfully, the kick in the butt that I needed many days. (and still do haha!) Making my lunch for work, coffee for the road, encouraging me to go out and socialize sans him, make new friends, help me remember what I was trying to say when I could not get the words out (yes this health stuff sucks) He just did it all.

Now I don’t want to take advantage, but all this pampering has been sooooo nice.  When I was the one doing EVERYTHING for so many years.  He cut back on his work hours where he could and actually spent TIME with me.  Quality time.  We had coffees together, talked together, watched stupid movies together….wow.

THAT was what I needed.

So that all happened.  True story.  It’s still happening.  And whatever you want to call it, my burnout, breakdown, depression.  It’s getting better day by day. Not gone, but better.

Medication.  I cut it out.  Tapered off for two weeks and now NOTHING for two months.

Sleep.  I am sleeping better.  Still not enough and not necessarily good sleep but that is being dealt with through the Dr.

His crazy ex.  Oh my goodness.  Wow.  I have a whole new perspective on this.  For so many years it bothered me that she got it all.  The kids with him, his money (and still is) and a new house….all while being lazy and taking advantage of others while I work my butt off.  Oh how things have changed, at least as far as how I feel about this.

Have been filled in on what is really going on in her house.  By someone close to the situation.  Really close.  Credible.  Wow.  It makes me just feel sad for her.  Pathetic is a word I don’t like using, but in this case it really suits.  I could go on and on about how sad it is, and what a mess she is….but I don’t need to put her down more than she already is.  Wow.  I don’t even think she can see it.  She has never grown up.  Still addicted to men, and substances.  Still can’t parent her kids.  Still can’t pay her bills without using others.  Actually committing fraud!! (God will take care of that I am sure) Wow.  A walking mess.  I actually feel bad for her that this life of hers is what she is living and what she will be left with.  The mentality she is leaving her kids with, the horrible attitudes and crazy fights in that house.  Wow.  An abundant life is not the one she is living for sure. Not abundant in any way. Wow.

I am SO beyond blessed at this stage of my life.  Even with things crumbling around me, I have MANY friends who are caring, loving and know the real me.  Love me for me.  I have a super hubby who has come out of a traumatic relationship with baggage, and can not only love me but really identify WHY he loves me and what that means to him.  I have step kids that one day hopefully will realize the impact I have had on them, and I will just continue to mentor when they are around, hoping that some good will come of it.  I have a son who through his major and many struggles, loves me a ton and is close to me.  A supportive workplace and network of friends to keep me going.  Social outlets.  Creative outlets.  I am not rich, and while we struggle with money, I am still blessed to have a home, a car, food, clothes. Be able to purchase little happy items when the mood hits.  SO blessed.

And last but THE only reason I have all of these blessings is because I have a Savior who created and loves me and cares beyond anything explainable.

I am blessed.