Just Because……

I feel like I have been at a turning point for awhile.  I have let go of some dreams, and began to identify others.

I have decided that the past shall no longer ruin my future and I am ok to let go of those in my life that get in the way, that being said life has not been kind lately, which is funny since I feel a sense of peace and happiness that I have not felt for many years.

It could be due to chronic fatigue and just not having the energy to care anymore….it could be my guardian angels watching out for me, the prayers of others perhaps….or I could have just adjusted my sails and set sight on finding the joy in life.

I am trying to pursue passions again.  Photography being one of them.  Using my crappy iphone I shot this on a drive.

Another passion, driving.  Just because. Wide open spaces.  Country air.  Breathe.

 

 

#9 How Did You/Do You Feel?

I suppose I did not follow/read this gratitude challenge correctly….I feel that maybe I misread #8 and as such now #9 does not follow and would not make sense….so I am abandoning the sequence and going my own way….as I so often do 😉

How do I feel?  Actually not too bad.  I have been trying to figure it out.  My life still sucks in so many ways, it’s not at all what I wanted at this stage and age of my life, however I have grown and changed so much in the last little while.

I am not sure if this is due to my health issues-not having the energy I used to, or just growing older.  I really don’t like or can’t handle dealing with bullshit any longer!

Yay for me.

I have come to realize that putting myself first is not selfish.  Not when I am more often than not the one to compromise.

It’s time for me.  Time to discover new things, and enjoy the things I love.  Time for some photography, time for making a new friend, time for a massage?! Oh ya!

Feelings are strange things.  I have leftover feelings from things that began but never really ended.  I have feelings about situations that are out of my control and I so desperately want to have control for them to turn out the way I want.  I have feelings for all the small day to day things that happen.

Oh feelings.

May the next decade of my life be a journey of feelings.

#8 Express gratitude to 3 people

So today I am on a roll…..2 posts!

Continuing with my gratitude challenge, now up to #8.  Express gratitude to 3 people.

This is not hard.  At least in theory it should not be.  I have SO many people who have blessed my life.  In SO many ways.

I guess to help me narrow it down, I will think of more recent peeps in my life.

First person, my hubby of course.  We have had a crazy roller coaster journey over the past 12 years.  He is my #1 fan, and for that I am so grateful.  I need a fan.  Usually to give me the kick in the butt that I need.  And I need it most weeks.  I get discouraged very easily, but he does not seem to run out of positive encouragement for me even when I have been down for awhile.  He never gives up.  Is he perfect? No of course not, he does have his moments.  But he continues on continuing on with me on this crazy hard and some days sad journey.  We have gone through so much struggle and drama, and come out the other side so much stronger and connected for it.  I know I can count on him and I know that he is there cheering me.  And for that I am grateful.

Second person, my birth mom.  Now you are probably thinking I am going to say I am grateful to her for giving me life. That’s kind of a no brainer.  No, I am talking about being grateful to have met her so I can find out who I am.  To know myself.  We are alike and different in so many ways, but understanding where and who I come from (at least on her side) has helped me get a better understanding of why I do some of the things I do.  DNA is a wacky thing.  Family traits even wackier lol.

Third and definitely not last is my son.  I am so grateful for having been blessed with him.  Though a long and very difficult journey raising him, a roller coaster until itself,   I feel I have learned more from him than anyone else in this life.  I feel as though he is the teacher and I am the student.  With all of his learning, mental health and developmental struggles, he never gives up.  (leading also back to my birth mother and our family trait of resilience which thankfully both my son and I have inherited).  This little boy has grown so much, going through tremendous trauma, and into an almost-man who battles addiction, disability, PTSD and more.  He never ceases to inspire me to keep going. As a mother, I pray for him and hope that he never gives up.  My wish for him is to become happy and whole in his own way and that he reaches his full potential.  I am immensely grateful to be part of his life and be one of the people who has helped shape him into who he is and will become.

Dreams….

So this blog has been abandoned for awhile, or at least it feels that way to me.  I just have no interest in much of anything but too much interest in too many things if that makes sense.  I guess I am not organized enough to get down to the things that I really love.  On a consistent basis.  I scrap-booked for 2 whole hours on Friday…yes 2.  I watched a few episodes of Criminal minds this weekend.  I read a few chapters in a book on Thursday.  I looked up a few birds at my feeder trying to identify them on Friday afternoon.

It just seems that my life is all in bits and pieces these days.  And I have no excuse.  Other than being disorganized and ADD.  I used to immerse myself in things, spend hours at one activity I enjoyed.  Then life took over.  Raising kids, driving kids, feeding kids.  Now I have no kids.  I have a job, a job that seems to take up more time than it did when I had kids, the work hours have not changed, the commuting time has not changed.  What has changed?

Where am I going with this? Other than pointing out my lack of planning?

I guess I am still stuck in the beginning of my mid life…what now?

Where do I go from here?  How do I accomplish all the dreams I still have? What exactly are those dreams?

So I need a list.  I need a bucket list of goals-no more than that.  I don’t want to call this a bucket list.  That would mean I have to check things off.  Some of my dreams may not be realistic or happen and leaving them un-checked would add to my sense of personal failure.  I will call this a DREAM list.

So starting off my dream list a few things come to mind right off the bat.

A trip across the states in my RV. (with my husband at the wheel of course, let’s not forget my Nystagmus and the fact that hauling a fifth wheel is harder than it sounds)/

Time in my scrapbook room, stamping, creating.

A side business as a hobby selling crafting things, ie cards and paper kits.

Time to read

Time to connect with other birders and actually learn how to identify birds properly

A trip to India

A trip to Asia-Pacific

A trip to Africa

Another trip to South America

All of the above trips being somehow connected to mission work and helping others

Parenting a child in need whether that be a foster child, teen in need or otherwise.

Spending the winter down south, preferably in an RV park and perhaps work camping to make this happen

Time to watch all 11 seasons of Criminal Minds….in order

Write a book

Take psychology courses

Ok so my list has now been started.

Now I just have to find the time to start 😉

 

 

 

Frustration

So I get frustrated.  Very easily.  Why you ask?  Because life is not fair always.  Or equal.  As some of you may know, I have been in a blended family situation most of my adult life.  It has not been easy.  The stepkids have ruled the roost on visits, taken over DH’s paycheque, and of course attention.  My son, bore the brunt of DH’s frustration of not having his own kids around.  He uses the special needs of my son, and the disrespect my son has for me as an excuse to be angry and frustrated with him, and sometimes rightfully so.  But sometimes I look and it breaks my heart.  SS has been out of the picture for a few years, I think we have had visits twice in almost two years from him.  On the other hand, while my son only visits now about once a week, he gets ignored by DH.  Not even more than a hello.  On the odd occastion when SS calls or texts or chats online with DH, DH gets so excited, and talks quite a bit.  MORE than just hello.  The fact that my son does not get even a smile, or DH is not even excited in the least to see him, he is more of a nuisance than anything, breaks my heart.  I have the ladies in my church praying for this.  I pray for this.  Their husbands are trying to “work” on DH.  But after years of this, it honestly will take a MIRACLE for this to change.  It hasn’t always been this way.  Some years DH and my son had a relationship.  Just as much if not more than with his own son who was not always around.  But that all changed.  When did it change?  When son decided to see his own bio dad again, when his attitude became like bio dads.  When dear son decided to get into drugs.  Alot.  When he started punching holes in the wall.  I don’t blame him for being frustrated with life.  He has so much stacked against him, learning disability, ptsd, anxiety, depression, and now a stepfather who treats his own son better than him. I get why he is mad.  Why is DH being such a dick? Is it because his own father never took an interest in him? Why he is a workaholic just like his dad?  Is it because my son is not biologically his? Is it because he could not get custody of his son no matter what he tried?  I have ALWAYS SAID and maintain to DH, you treat your son like you WANTED to be treated as a child and you treat mine like you WERE treated as a child.  #FML.  One woman can’t take the pressure.  I need help but no one seems to be able to help me.  Some days I wish I could just walk away.  I gave up having more children of my own for this.

#7 A Friend

Not sure where to go with this one.  I have had friends over the years.  Some good, some not so good.  Right now, at 37 in my adult life….I would have to say I do not have any super close friends.

From 21 till now I have been raising a super high need-special need child.  From 26 onward I was responsible for those two stepkids that I keep mentioning want nothing to do with us….thanks bio mom, your PAS worked!  And carting them back and forth to school, activities etc on weekends and the 12+ days we had them a month, wore me out!

Being at home making meals, doing laundry and relaxing after my full time job were how I spent my “down time”.  Weekends were spent with or without hubby.  Friends were not high on the priority list.

I was able to make friends at work, but being so far away not as easy to get together on weekends…plus working together and hanging out can be a bit much of a good thing lol.  The past few years, I have been able to make friends in the various churches we have attended, but nothing that lasted.  People moved away, started their own families, moved churches etc.

Now, I have met two friends I would consider in my inner circle.  One is a stepmom, and has suffered depression as I, she is a bit older but in an older wiser sister kind of way.  The other is also older, has a special needs child who is even more needier than mine.  I feel able to share, let loose, cry and laugh with both these special friends.

At the same time, my life is still busy but in another way.  Chronic fatigue takes over and I am not able to do as much as I used to.  Time at home and relaxing has been my main goal as of late.  I do cherish and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and I don’t have a best or favourite friend.  They all shine just as bright in my eyes!

Just Stuff

Not really in the writing mood today so this post will be a little here and a little there.

I am realizing how much I do enjoy putting my thoughts on paper….or rather in type.  Life goal, bigger picture…write a book.  Not sure if it will be an auto biographical work or something relating to the bigger challenges of raising a son with special needs.  Something to help inspire others that is for sure.

Today I am sniffling, sneezing, and trying to get some work done at home.  It is a bonus to be able to work from home some days, and I try to organize my time so that I am the most productive in the morning.  For some reason, the past three weeks on the day I have been working from home, I am CONSTANTLY sniffling and sneezing with a runny nose.  I have attributed this to allergies to dust since I live in a very old home with traffic close by.  I see layers of dust, clean it and then a few hours later see more.  It’s a horrible thing.  I have bad allergies on the best of days but nothing like lately. Hmmmmm, another reason to convince DH to move!

Now that we have outgrown our home, or rather under grown our home, as empty nesters it would be great to have a smaller space.  Or at least a better layout.  When raising a blended family we had (and still do) have limited finances, so this house was the best we could do.  We purchased it with combining two houses and hopefully growing our family in mind.  Now that we are past that stage, and don’t want any boomerang kids, it would be great to have something just for DH and I.  Away from the good and bad memories of the blended family years.

Starting to read some more again, picked up Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, on the suggestion of the psychologist.  Only introduction and part of Ch 1 read and already I am feeling like I have a kindred spirit in Ms. Martin….and all the other women out there who were set up to fail even before they began.  A little girl’s dreams for the future never include “I want to be a stepmom”.  Glad to have others that can relate and looking forward to reading this cover to cover.

Life is good.

Moving Forward

Best. Decision. Ever.

So if you recall such posts as…ok the one right before this….

I had decided to go see a fertility psychologist.  And hallelujah, praise the Lord, I can FINALLY move on.  But moving on does not mean forgetting.  Or grieving.  It just means that I can go on with my life.  Not staying stuck.  I have confirmation that it is OK to grieve, to be sad.  And I am entitled to grieve the loss of that dream and hope.

There will always be a part of me sad that my DH and I could not have a child together. There will always be the sadness of being a stepmom to kids who don’t want another mother figure.  There will always be a sadness that my own child has special needs, and I can’t fix them for him.  These are losses, and they will be grieved.

BUT I can move on, looking ahead to the next decade of my life.  How can I help others?  Where do my gifting’s lie?  What kind of job do I want to do for the next 10 years?  Do I want to retire early? Travel? Get involved in missions? Yes Yes Yes!

I can FINALLY focus on myself.  The drama of stepmother-hood will always be there, but having an empty nest is wonderful.  Time for all the things I enjoy, and most importantly time for DH and I to have that honeymoon phase we never did.

The psychologist even suggested that this was something I should do, focus on that man and our marriage, and we can do this in a way we never could before.  Not with the stress and drama of all the baggage from our past mistakes, and the fallout of the collateral damage with our kids.

It’s MY time.  It’s OUR time.

It’s TIME!

Keep your chin up!

….or so they say.

Today is a bad day.  Well a bad week.

I have been dreading and looking forward at the same time to the apt I have set with an infertility psychologist.  I need to put this fertility issue behind me once and for all.  All the back and forth, the dreams that have been shattered. They need to go behind me, not walk with me every day.  I don’t want to cry when I hear a baby announcement, I don’t want to avoid family…or anyone with kids.  I just want to be ok with it.  And I’m not.  How do you just give that up?  My biological clock has not stopped ticking for 10 years, when the possibility of not only a second child, but a child WITH my soon to be husband, entered the picture.

The dream is not dead for me.  So I guess I am looking for the psychologist to help me slaughter it, skin it, and bury it.  Once. And. For. All.

Is that even possible?

I guess I will have more answers to that next week.  For this week, I am in one of those spaces of life where the despair is taking over.  Where all the negative in my life, (those often ungrateful step kids)…that DONT belong to me in any way shape or form, remind me of that losss every time I hear their voice, name, or they come for a visit.  All the reminders of how I have failed my own son, by trying most times TOO hard.  All the times I am reminded of just how this failed dream is one more sign pointing to ME as an ultimate FAILURE.

How does one go on?  What dreams can one have that even come close to measuring up to sharing a child with someone?  I mean really.  Houses, cars, trips, material posessions, don’t make a lasting impression in ones memory of life.

Today I am just FUCKING PISSED AT THE WORLD!

#6 The city you live in

Ummmm.  Small.  That is one way to describe it.  I don’t actually live in a city (thank goodness).  I was raised in the country, and in the country I will remain.  Until such time as I may need health services closer by.

I tried living in the city.  Once.  That was enough.  I was raised in a quiet community of about 1500, on the outskirts of town.  Today, I have one neighbour.  The closest city of about 10k is half hour drive from me.  I like it this way.

Going to “the big city” is an hour, and something to look forward to, just like when I was young.  Shopping may be more expensive in my little community, but the peace and nature surrounding me beats staring at asphalt all day long.

There is something to be said for coyotes and deer in your backyard!