Humph!

So I am taking a post off from my gratitude challenge posts.

Humph is how I feel these days.

All of life is crashing in on me and I don’t know where to turn or how to find my way out.  I have been on antidepressants for about two years, when my Ataxia symptoms started getting bad, when my sons issues for lack of a better term started ramping up, and when my marriage was at a crossing road….and now…..empty nest syndrome, husband working too much….work sucking….and facing I will never have another child, has left me worse off than before.

My stupid idea?  STOP taking my medication to try and get some sleep.  It seems that the meds were causing me to be overly exhausted and I could not sleep for about two months…..that is all I can chalk it up to as now that I have been off for two weeks, I am getting much better rest.  Still tired, but not as exhausted.  Crying alot.  But better rested.

So back to humph.  Where does one go with ones life when one has no clue why they are on earth, no purpose.  Oh sure my Christian friends will tell me God has a purpose for me. But seriously….He is being pretty silent in telling me what that purpose is.

Clearly it is not to be a mom again, clearly it is not to have a family….remember those stepkids are not allowed to consider me or my family part of theirs…..clearly it is not to be wildly romanced by my workaholic husband…..clearly it is not to accomplish any of the things that I set out to do.  Do I sound negative?  Damn right I do.

Just wish I could find that one thing that will give me a purpose.  Something to be passionate about.  I have tried getting into creative things, scrapbooking, coloring, cardmaking, photography, baking….those are all great, but they don’t really accomplish a sense of purpose.  They are fun things.

I want to feel needed.  I want to feel loved.  I want to feel alive.

Maybe I need an on the side boyfriend? LOL……just a thought.

Clearly I need something.

# 4 A Family Member

So in this 52 weeks (or days or months….weeks are not my schedule). I am up to #4.  A Family Member.  I have a few choice family members I could write novels about….however I am trying to stay positive.  Trying to keep this inspiring for myself more than anyone and I tend to get sucked into depressive thoughts no matter how hard I try.  This is why I choose to write about someone who both inspires and worries me.

My son.  My only child.

My son was born after a very traumatic pregnancy and birth.  He entered the world stressed out….and has been trying to grab onto anything that he can find to de-stress him ever since.  He also has caused everyone around him a world of stress.  From day one there was something off about him, one can’t quite put their finger on it, but he is special.  Ever since the world (doctors, therapists, teachers, friends, family, etc), including myself have been trying to figure out what label to place on him.

It started off at 4.  ADHD, ADD, then moved onto high anxiety. Then learning disabled.  Severely learning disabled.  Then high intelligence.  Then behavior issues, ODD.  Personality disorder. The list goes on and on. But one thing remains, there is no label you can find that fits him.  He is one of a kind!

His life includes trauma of proportions we are still not sure about.  It includes an over protective mommy (me! go mom go) who has done her best to find the absolute most help out there for him…and still feel like I have failed.  It includes family on all sides who (mostly with the exception of my parents) did not step up when he and mom needed help and support, leaving him feeling like a failure and mom a depressed mess.  It includes doctors who really have no clue and turned him into a pharmaceutical guinea pig, ending in him almost losing his life.  it includes a school board whose instructions to staff almost caused his death. literally.

Son, who feels like a failure, who society has deemed a failure and who still to this day can’t get the help he needs, even after enlisting the help of many community supports.

There is hope for him……Watching him get to this point and asking the school board in meetings why he can’t get a one on one program to help him to learn to read.  Why he asks, was he shuffled to over 10 different schools when we have never even moved….not once in the past 11 years.  Watching him taking on the anger that I had for so many years, in so many school meetings that went nowhere.  Watching how he is taking it on now, himself.  He is starting to grow up.  With a long road ahead and much maturing to do….it is beginning.

After watching him go through 16 years of this and walking alongside him….knowing that he also has a responsibility for his behavior but that so much of it is due to extreme frustration and not being able to function like his peers….watching himself drown in substance abuse and not being able to help…..I realize that I have done the best I could, with what I had and the supports I was given.  I have done my absolute best to utilize every program that was affordable, every idea or suggestion, every book I could get my hands on…..everything in my power to help and even more, I have enlisted God’s help along the way….and many times have not seen much fruit.

Fast forwarding to now, I am realizing that there is nothing more I could have done, I am being told over and over that I need to just let it all go because it is now affecting my own health.  That is hard for a mom to hear.  That is hard for anyone to be told they need to sit back and watch someone continue to self destruct.  But maybe it is time.

A good friend pointed out that I have given him the absolute best base I could, and now it is up to him.  Sink or swim.  It is time to let go.