Sitting here on a rainy day…woke up with a horrible headache that won’t go away.
Just pondering life and why I have the one that I do. Does everything in life happen because of our own choices? Is it karma? Is it God’s plan? I think it’s a little bit of a, b and c.
At birth, our lives start out as a clean slate. We are born helpless. Some of us are privileged, some are born into poor families, third world countries, developed nations, healthy, sick. We all start out differently. As we grow, our environments shape much of who we become.
Then our conscious will enters the picture. We start growing older, realizing that we will not be with our parents for the rest of our lives if we are able, independent adults.
We start making choices. Some of those choices have ripple effects, for days, weeks, months and even years to come. Sometimes things happen along the way that have to do with the negative impact of others choices, or even things that are no fault of our own….natural disasters, disease, crime, famine, war.
My life has been a series of errors, frustration and pain. I have also been blessed beyond belief compared to those in other places. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, on weeks when I am really broke I can always afford bread, peanut butter, hot dogs and some sort of fruit. My husbands job allows us to have a freezer full of red meat. I have been blessed with a good job that supplies my needs, I am able to sponsor four children, supply my own child his needs, and send what is equal to a mortgage payment to my stepchildren each month so that they can have a roof and food. And I can do this with a supportive husband, who works harder than anyone I know for little wages to contribute to these things as well.
Why should I not be happy then? I feel like I am stuck in a life I did not ask for. Through my own foolish choices, I became my own worst enemy. The dreams and wishes I had for my life all went astray, and they have not returned yet. I am working on it.
I chose an alcoholic for a first husband, one with mental health issues which have been passed along to my son. I have been a great mom (not perfect by any means but one who tries more than most to do her best) to my son, who has severe learning issues, and mental health issues as well as drug addiction. I have been a stepmother to two children who did not want a stepmom. I have spent years driving them to and from school, one hour each way, leaving work early to accommodate their schedules, driving them to hockey practice, soccer, appointments. Racking up 600,000 km on my old car. All while rarely seeing their dad as he was working so hard to contribute to our household and to send money to their mother. I have had health issues, depression, thoughts of suicide, bitterness, sadness, jealousy….the list goes on and on.
My biggest dream was to have a child with my husband, years and many tears later that has not happened. At our ages it never will. I am watching him still working himself to exhaustion to send money to an ex for his children that are now 21 and 17. One out of school for three years and working but still living at home.
If I had to do it all over would I ? I honestly can’t say that I would. We are married, a couple in the eyes of the Lord, but what I am left with, is the remains and junk from someone else’s prior relationship, along with my own junk from mine. We have three kids that want to go their own ways, be like their other parents, and resenting us because of how we try and guide them. They want nothing of it or us.
My biggest annoyance, is and always has been his ex. If I were able to send her a letter, this is what it would say.
Dear Devil.
From day one, I heard from everyone how horrible you are. His family, friends, I did not believe it. No one can be that bad. Everyone has some good in them, I am sure you do. I am sure your life has not been easy. But someone who is good, does not try to find ways to sabotage and destroy others. They do not poison their children against others, they do not take advantage of others financially or otherwise. They do not use systems in place to help people to their advantage and become lazy and not have to work an honest job.
When I chose your ex to marry, I did so with the understanding that I would do my best to be the absolute best stepmother I could be. I would love your children like my own. I found out that you cared little for them when they were young, preferring partying and sleeping around to being with your family. I found out that you were negligent and saw first hand how you put yourself first. I vowed to do my best to teach your children about God and his love.
I kept all the promises.
Before meeting my husband, you saw to it that he had two children “by accident”, unplanned, while supposedly on birth control. I have had one pregnancy…planned while off birth control. Your pattern of (now) three accidental pregnancies speaks for itself. So taking care of two little ones while you were out and partying and finding attention from other guys, my husband took it upon himself to get himself fixed and make sure he did not have to look after a third child. He was not planning on leaving his children, or you in his eyes marriage was no matter what.
Fast forward a few years, things in your woods were not changing, and adultery soon became your lifestyle. He married you because of the children and one year later you left…..again. He was broken. A few more times kicked out and he had finally had enough. So he started a new life. Soon I came into the picture (woohoo for me!) and I showed him what a relationship should look like, a caring loving one.
But the damage was done. For many years, he was unable to fully open up emotionally, he was not able to work on our relationship as he was so damaged from yours. He was at times mean, and bitter.
When it was time to try and keep his end of the bargain, try for a child of our own, I had to open up my bank account and wipe it clean to finance the operation needed for us to have a child biologically. That was hard. Knowing I had to pay for a situation that only existed because of you. Life is not fair. I found this out the hard way. The dreams we had for years then went on for many more years, medical procedures, counseling, failed adoptions. A child of our own was not meant to be.
All the while I had to hear from your own children, how happy they were that you got pregnant not once but twice with your new boyfriend. That you gave birth to a sibling for them. Oh yes, the joy. All the while sinking deeper and deeper into an dark dark place I could not get out of. Realizing my dreams of having another child, giving my son a sibling were dead. They were never to be. Wanting. To. Die. Every day for years.
Finally your children decided they no longer wanted to see us, the rules we put in place, the lifestyle we lived as Christians, they did not want to hear about. Your poisoning words to them about everything we do. Because your way is the right way. Of course.
I can no longer let the bitterness inside me be there. You are taking up too much space and I don’t like it. You are not paying rent in my head so out you must go! I no longer need to be angry.
I just want me back. I want to live MY life with MY husband.
To love and live our dreams, both together and individually. To be a family no matter if we have any kids in it or none at all. To believe that life can be fulfilling and wonderful. To fully embrace all my blessings, even if I do not see them each day. To find a place of contentment in the Lord and all the things he has given me. To be able to love, laugh and live.
You no longer matter.
Sincerely,
Blessed
thiscrazybeautifuljourney 