Just Stuff

Not really in the writing mood today so this post will be a little here and a little there.

I am realizing how much I do enjoy putting my thoughts on paper….or rather in type.  Life goal, bigger picture…write a book.  Not sure if it will be an auto biographical work or something relating to the bigger challenges of raising a son with special needs.  Something to help inspire others that is for sure.

Today I am sniffling, sneezing, and trying to get some work done at home.  It is a bonus to be able to work from home some days, and I try to organize my time so that I am the most productive in the morning.  For some reason, the past three weeks on the day I have been working from home, I am CONSTANTLY sniffling and sneezing with a runny nose.  I have attributed this to allergies to dust since I live in a very old home with traffic close by.  I see layers of dust, clean it and then a few hours later see more.  It’s a horrible thing.  I have bad allergies on the best of days but nothing like lately. Hmmmmm, another reason to convince DH to move!

Now that we have outgrown our home, or rather under grown our home, as empty nesters it would be great to have a smaller space.  Or at least a better layout.  When raising a blended family we had (and still do) have limited finances, so this house was the best we could do.  We purchased it with combining two houses and hopefully growing our family in mind.  Now that we are past that stage, and don’t want any boomerang kids, it would be great to have something just for DH and I.  Away from the good and bad memories of the blended family years.

Starting to read some more again, picked up Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, on the suggestion of the psychologist.  Only introduction and part of Ch 1 read and already I am feeling like I have a kindred spirit in Ms. Martin….and all the other women out there who were set up to fail even before they began.  A little girl’s dreams for the future never include “I want to be a stepmom”.  Glad to have others that can relate and looking forward to reading this cover to cover.

Life is good.

Moving Forward

Best. Decision. Ever.

So if you recall such posts as…ok the one right before this….

I had decided to go see a fertility psychologist.  And hallelujah, praise the Lord, I can FINALLY move on.  But moving on does not mean forgetting.  Or grieving.  It just means that I can go on with my life.  Not staying stuck.  I have confirmation that it is OK to grieve, to be sad.  And I am entitled to grieve the loss of that dream and hope.

There will always be a part of me sad that my DH and I could not have a child together. There will always be the sadness of being a stepmom to kids who don’t want another mother figure.  There will always be a sadness that my own child has special needs, and I can’t fix them for him.  These are losses, and they will be grieved.

BUT I can move on, looking ahead to the next decade of my life.  How can I help others?  Where do my gifting’s lie?  What kind of job do I want to do for the next 10 years?  Do I want to retire early? Travel? Get involved in missions? Yes Yes Yes!

I can FINALLY focus on myself.  The drama of stepmother-hood will always be there, but having an empty nest is wonderful.  Time for all the things I enjoy, and most importantly time for DH and I to have that honeymoon phase we never did.

The psychologist even suggested that this was something I should do, focus on that man and our marriage, and we can do this in a way we never could before.  Not with the stress and drama of all the baggage from our past mistakes, and the fallout of the collateral damage with our kids.

It’s MY time.  It’s OUR time.

It’s TIME!