Frustration

So I get frustrated.  Very easily.  Why you ask?  Because life is not fair always.  Or equal.  As some of you may know, I have been in a blended family situation most of my adult life.  It has not been easy.  The stepkids have ruled the roost on visits, taken over DH’s paycheque, and of course attention.  My son, bore the brunt of DH’s frustration of not having his own kids around.  He uses the special needs of my son, and the disrespect my son has for me as an excuse to be angry and frustrated with him, and sometimes rightfully so.  But sometimes I look and it breaks my heart.  SS has been out of the picture for a few years, I think we have had visits twice in almost two years from him.  On the other hand, while my son only visits now about once a week, he gets ignored by DH.  Not even more than a hello.  On the odd occastion when SS calls or texts or chats online with DH, DH gets so excited, and talks quite a bit.  MORE than just hello.  The fact that my son does not get even a smile, or DH is not even excited in the least to see him, he is more of a nuisance than anything, breaks my heart.  I have the ladies in my church praying for this.  I pray for this.  Their husbands are trying to “work” on DH.  But after years of this, it honestly will take a MIRACLE for this to change.  It hasn’t always been this way.  Some years DH and my son had a relationship.  Just as much if not more than with his own son who was not always around.  But that all changed.  When did it change?  When son decided to see his own bio dad again, when his attitude became like bio dads.  When dear son decided to get into drugs.  Alot.  When he started punching holes in the wall.  I don’t blame him for being frustrated with life.  He has so much stacked against him, learning disability, ptsd, anxiety, depression, and now a stepfather who treats his own son better than him. I get why he is mad.  Why is DH being such a dick? Is it because his own father never took an interest in him? Why he is a workaholic just like his dad?  Is it because my son is not biologically his? Is it because he could not get custody of his son no matter what he tried?  I have ALWAYS SAID and maintain to DH, you treat your son like you WANTED to be treated as a child and you treat mine like you WERE treated as a child.  #FML.  One woman can’t take the pressure.  I need help but no one seems to be able to help me.  Some days I wish I could just walk away.  I gave up having more children of my own for this.

Just Stuff

Not really in the writing mood today so this post will be a little here and a little there.

I am realizing how much I do enjoy putting my thoughts on paper….or rather in type.  Life goal, bigger picture…write a book.  Not sure if it will be an auto biographical work or something relating to the bigger challenges of raising a son with special needs.  Something to help inspire others that is for sure.

Today I am sniffling, sneezing, and trying to get some work done at home.  It is a bonus to be able to work from home some days, and I try to organize my time so that I am the most productive in the morning.  For some reason, the past three weeks on the day I have been working from home, I am CONSTANTLY sniffling and sneezing with a runny nose.  I have attributed this to allergies to dust since I live in a very old home with traffic close by.  I see layers of dust, clean it and then a few hours later see more.  It’s a horrible thing.  I have bad allergies on the best of days but nothing like lately. Hmmmmm, another reason to convince DH to move!

Now that we have outgrown our home, or rather under grown our home, as empty nesters it would be great to have a smaller space.  Or at least a better layout.  When raising a blended family we had (and still do) have limited finances, so this house was the best we could do.  We purchased it with combining two houses and hopefully growing our family in mind.  Now that we are past that stage, and don’t want any boomerang kids, it would be great to have something just for DH and I.  Away from the good and bad memories of the blended family years.

Starting to read some more again, picked up Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, on the suggestion of the psychologist.  Only introduction and part of Ch 1 read and already I am feeling like I have a kindred spirit in Ms. Martin….and all the other women out there who were set up to fail even before they began.  A little girl’s dreams for the future never include “I want to be a stepmom”.  Glad to have others that can relate and looking forward to reading this cover to cover.

Life is good.

Moving Forward

Best. Decision. Ever.

So if you recall such posts as…ok the one right before this….

I had decided to go see a fertility psychologist.  And hallelujah, praise the Lord, I can FINALLY move on.  But moving on does not mean forgetting.  Or grieving.  It just means that I can go on with my life.  Not staying stuck.  I have confirmation that it is OK to grieve, to be sad.  And I am entitled to grieve the loss of that dream and hope.

There will always be a part of me sad that my DH and I could not have a child together. There will always be the sadness of being a stepmom to kids who don’t want another mother figure.  There will always be a sadness that my own child has special needs, and I can’t fix them for him.  These are losses, and they will be grieved.

BUT I can move on, looking ahead to the next decade of my life.  How can I help others?  Where do my gifting’s lie?  What kind of job do I want to do for the next 10 years?  Do I want to retire early? Travel? Get involved in missions? Yes Yes Yes!

I can FINALLY focus on myself.  The drama of stepmother-hood will always be there, but having an empty nest is wonderful.  Time for all the things I enjoy, and most importantly time for DH and I to have that honeymoon phase we never did.

The psychologist even suggested that this was something I should do, focus on that man and our marriage, and we can do this in a way we never could before.  Not with the stress and drama of all the baggage from our past mistakes, and the fallout of the collateral damage with our kids.

It’s MY time.  It’s OUR time.

It’s TIME!

Humph!

So I am taking a post off from my gratitude challenge posts.

Humph is how I feel these days.

All of life is crashing in on me and I don’t know where to turn or how to find my way out.  I have been on antidepressants for about two years, when my Ataxia symptoms started getting bad, when my sons issues for lack of a better term started ramping up, and when my marriage was at a crossing road….and now…..empty nest syndrome, husband working too much….work sucking….and facing I will never have another child, has left me worse off than before.

My stupid idea?  STOP taking my medication to try and get some sleep.  It seems that the meds were causing me to be overly exhausted and I could not sleep for about two months…..that is all I can chalk it up to as now that I have been off for two weeks, I am getting much better rest.  Still tired, but not as exhausted.  Crying alot.  But better rested.

So back to humph.  Where does one go with ones life when one has no clue why they are on earth, no purpose.  Oh sure my Christian friends will tell me God has a purpose for me. But seriously….He is being pretty silent in telling me what that purpose is.

Clearly it is not to be a mom again, clearly it is not to have a family….remember those stepkids are not allowed to consider me or my family part of theirs…..clearly it is not to be wildly romanced by my workaholic husband…..clearly it is not to accomplish any of the things that I set out to do.  Do I sound negative?  Damn right I do.

Just wish I could find that one thing that will give me a purpose.  Something to be passionate about.  I have tried getting into creative things, scrapbooking, coloring, cardmaking, photography, baking….those are all great, but they don’t really accomplish a sense of purpose.  They are fun things.

I want to feel needed.  I want to feel loved.  I want to feel alive.

Maybe I need an on the side boyfriend? LOL……just a thought.

Clearly I need something.

Letters we will never send…..

Sitting here on a rainy day…woke up with a horrible headache that won’t go away.

Just pondering life and why I have the one that I do.  Does everything in life happen because of our own choices? Is it karma? Is it God’s plan?  I think it’s a little bit of a, b and c.

At birth, our lives start out as a clean slate.  We are born helpless.  Some of us are privileged, some are born into poor families, third world countries, developed nations, healthy, sick.  We all start out differently.  As we grow, our environments shape much of who we become.

Then our conscious will enters the picture.  We start growing older, realizing that we will not be with our parents for the rest of our lives if we are able, independent adults.

We start making choices.  Some of those choices have ripple effects, for days, weeks, months and even years to come.  Sometimes things happen along the way that have to do with the negative impact of others choices, or even things that are no fault of our own….natural disasters, disease, crime, famine, war.

My life has been a series of errors, frustration and pain.  I have also been blessed beyond belief compared to those in other places.  I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, on weeks when I am really broke I can always afford bread, peanut butter, hot dogs and some sort of fruit.  My husbands job allows us to have a freezer full of red meat.  I have been blessed with a good job that supplies my needs, I am able to sponsor four children, supply my own child his needs, and send what is equal to a mortgage payment to my stepchildren each month so that they can have a roof and food.  And I can do this with a supportive husband, who works harder than anyone I know for little wages to contribute to these things as well.

Why should I not be happy then?  I feel like I am stuck in a life I did not ask for.  Through my own foolish choices, I became my own worst enemy.  The dreams and wishes I had for my life all went astray, and they have not returned yet.  I am working on it.

I chose an alcoholic for a first husband, one with mental health issues which have been passed along to my son.  I have been a great mom (not perfect by any means but one who tries more than most to do her best) to my son, who has severe learning issues, and mental health issues as well as drug addiction.  I have been a stepmother to two children who did not want a stepmom.  I have spent years driving them to and from school, one hour each way, leaving work early to accommodate their schedules, driving them to hockey practice, soccer, appointments. Racking up 600,000 km on my old car.  All while rarely seeing their dad as he was working so hard to contribute to our household and to send money to their mother. I have had health issues, depression, thoughts of suicide, bitterness, sadness, jealousy….the list goes on and on.

My biggest dream was to have a child with my husband, years and many tears later that has not happened.  At our ages it never will.  I am watching him still working himself to exhaustion to send money to an ex for his children that are now 21 and 17.  One out of school for three years and working but still living at home.

If I had to do it all over would I ?  I honestly can’t say that I would.  We are married, a couple in the eyes of the Lord, but what I am left with, is the remains and junk from someone else’s prior relationship, along with my own junk from mine.  We have three kids that want to go their own ways, be like their other parents, and resenting us because of how we try and guide them.  They want nothing of it or us.

My biggest annoyance, is and always has been his ex.  If I were able to send her a letter, this is what it would say.

Dear Devil.

From day one, I heard from everyone how horrible you are.  His family, friends,  I did not believe it.  No one can be that bad. Everyone has some good in them, I am sure you do. I am sure your life has not been easy.  But someone who is good, does not try to find ways to sabotage and destroy others.  They do not poison their children against others, they do not take advantage of others financially or otherwise.  They do not use systems in place to help people to their advantage and become lazy and not have to work an honest job.

When I chose your ex to marry, I did so with the understanding that I would do my best to be the absolute best stepmother I could be.  I would love your children like my own.  I found out that you cared little for them when they were young, preferring partying and sleeping around to being with your family.  I found out that you were negligent and saw first hand how you put yourself first.  I vowed to do my best to teach your children about God and his love.

I kept all the promises.

Before meeting my husband, you saw to it that he had two children “by accident”, unplanned, while supposedly on birth control.  I have had one pregnancy…planned while off birth control.  Your pattern of (now) three accidental pregnancies speaks for itself.  So taking care of two little ones while you were out and partying and finding attention from other guys, my husband took it upon himself to get himself fixed and make sure he did not have to look after a third child.  He was not planning on leaving his children, or you in his eyes marriage was no matter what.

Fast forward a few years, things in your woods were not changing, and adultery soon became your lifestyle. He married you because of the children and one year later you left…..again.  He was broken.  A few more times kicked out and he had finally had enough.  So he started a new life.  Soon I came into the picture (woohoo for me!) and I showed him what a relationship should look like, a caring loving one.

But the damage was done.  For many years, he was unable to fully open up emotionally, he was not able to work on our relationship as he was so damaged from yours.  He was at times mean, and bitter.

When it was time to try and keep his end of the bargain, try for a child of our own, I had to open up my bank account and wipe it clean to finance the operation needed for us to have a child biologically.  That was hard.  Knowing I had to pay for a situation that only existed because of you.  Life is not fair.  I found this out the hard way. The dreams we had for years then went on for many more years, medical procedures, counseling, failed adoptions.  A child of our own was not meant to be.

All the while I had to hear from your own children, how happy they were that you got pregnant not once but twice with your new boyfriend.  That you gave birth to a sibling for them.  Oh yes, the joy.  All the while sinking deeper and deeper into an dark dark place I could not get out of.  Realizing my dreams of having another child, giving my son a sibling were dead.  They were never to be. Wanting. To. Die. Every day for years.

Finally your children decided they no longer wanted to see us, the rules we put in place, the lifestyle we lived as Christians, they did not want to hear about.  Your poisoning words to them about everything we do.  Because your way is the right way.  Of course.

I can no longer let the bitterness inside me be there.  You are taking up too much space and I don’t like it.  You are not paying rent in my head so out you must go!  I no longer need to be angry.

I just want me back.  I want to live MY life with MY husband.

To love and live our dreams, both together and individually.  To be a family no matter if we have any kids in it or none at all.  To believe that life can be fulfilling and wonderful.  To fully embrace all my blessings, even if I do not see them each day.  To find a place of contentment in the Lord and all the things he has given me.  To be able to love, laugh and live.

You no longer matter.

Sincerely,

Blessed