Just Because……

I feel like I have been at a turning point for awhile.  I have let go of some dreams, and began to identify others.

I have decided that the past shall no longer ruin my future and I am ok to let go of those in my life that get in the way, that being said life has not been kind lately, which is funny since I feel a sense of peace and happiness that I have not felt for many years.

It could be due to chronic fatigue and just not having the energy to care anymore….it could be my guardian angels watching out for me, the prayers of others perhaps….or I could have just adjusted my sails and set sight on finding the joy in life.

I am trying to pursue passions again.  Photography being one of them.  Using my crappy iphone I shot this on a drive.

Another passion, driving.  Just because. Wide open spaces.  Country air.  Breathe.

 

 

#9 How Did You/Do You Feel?

I suppose I did not follow/read this gratitude challenge correctly….I feel that maybe I misread #8 and as such now #9 does not follow and would not make sense….so I am abandoning the sequence and going my own way….as I so often do 😉

How do I feel?  Actually not too bad.  I have been trying to figure it out.  My life still sucks in so many ways, it’s not at all what I wanted at this stage and age of my life, however I have grown and changed so much in the last little while.

I am not sure if this is due to my health issues-not having the energy I used to, or just growing older.  I really don’t like or can’t handle dealing with bullshit any longer!

Yay for me.

I have come to realize that putting myself first is not selfish.  Not when I am more often than not the one to compromise.

It’s time for me.  Time to discover new things, and enjoy the things I love.  Time for some photography, time for making a new friend, time for a massage?! Oh ya!

Feelings are strange things.  I have leftover feelings from things that began but never really ended.  I have feelings about situations that are out of my control and I so desperately want to have control for them to turn out the way I want.  I have feelings for all the small day to day things that happen.

Oh feelings.

May the next decade of my life be a journey of feelings.

#8 Express gratitude to 3 people

So today I am on a roll…..2 posts!

Continuing with my gratitude challenge, now up to #8.  Express gratitude to 3 people.

This is not hard.  At least in theory it should not be.  I have SO many people who have blessed my life.  In SO many ways.

I guess to help me narrow it down, I will think of more recent peeps in my life.

First person, my hubby of course.  We have had a crazy roller coaster journey over the past 12 years.  He is my #1 fan, and for that I am so grateful.  I need a fan.  Usually to give me the kick in the butt that I need.  And I need it most weeks.  I get discouraged very easily, but he does not seem to run out of positive encouragement for me even when I have been down for awhile.  He never gives up.  Is he perfect? No of course not, he does have his moments.  But he continues on continuing on with me on this crazy hard and some days sad journey.  We have gone through so much struggle and drama, and come out the other side so much stronger and connected for it.  I know I can count on him and I know that he is there cheering me.  And for that I am grateful.

Second person, my birth mom.  Now you are probably thinking I am going to say I am grateful to her for giving me life. That’s kind of a no brainer.  No, I am talking about being grateful to have met her so I can find out who I am.  To know myself.  We are alike and different in so many ways, but understanding where and who I come from (at least on her side) has helped me get a better understanding of why I do some of the things I do.  DNA is a wacky thing.  Family traits even wackier lol.

Third and definitely not last is my son.  I am so grateful for having been blessed with him.  Though a long and very difficult journey raising him, a roller coaster until itself,   I feel I have learned more from him than anyone else in this life.  I feel as though he is the teacher and I am the student.  With all of his learning, mental health and developmental struggles, he never gives up.  (leading also back to my birth mother and our family trait of resilience which thankfully both my son and I have inherited).  This little boy has grown so much, going through tremendous trauma, and into an almost-man who battles addiction, disability, PTSD and more.  He never ceases to inspire me to keep going. As a mother, I pray for him and hope that he never gives up.  My wish for him is to become happy and whole in his own way and that he reaches his full potential.  I am immensely grateful to be part of his life and be one of the people who has helped shape him into who he is and will become.

Frustration

So I get frustrated.  Very easily.  Why you ask?  Because life is not fair always.  Or equal.  As some of you may know, I have been in a blended family situation most of my adult life.  It has not been easy.  The stepkids have ruled the roost on visits, taken over DH’s paycheque, and of course attention.  My son, bore the brunt of DH’s frustration of not having his own kids around.  He uses the special needs of my son, and the disrespect my son has for me as an excuse to be angry and frustrated with him, and sometimes rightfully so.  But sometimes I look and it breaks my heart.  SS has been out of the picture for a few years, I think we have had visits twice in almost two years from him.  On the other hand, while my son only visits now about once a week, he gets ignored by DH.  Not even more than a hello.  On the odd occastion when SS calls or texts or chats online with DH, DH gets so excited, and talks quite a bit.  MORE than just hello.  The fact that my son does not get even a smile, or DH is not even excited in the least to see him, he is more of a nuisance than anything, breaks my heart.  I have the ladies in my church praying for this.  I pray for this.  Their husbands are trying to “work” on DH.  But after years of this, it honestly will take a MIRACLE for this to change.  It hasn’t always been this way.  Some years DH and my son had a relationship.  Just as much if not more than with his own son who was not always around.  But that all changed.  When did it change?  When son decided to see his own bio dad again, when his attitude became like bio dads.  When dear son decided to get into drugs.  Alot.  When he started punching holes in the wall.  I don’t blame him for being frustrated with life.  He has so much stacked against him, learning disability, ptsd, anxiety, depression, and now a stepfather who treats his own son better than him. I get why he is mad.  Why is DH being such a dick? Is it because his own father never took an interest in him? Why he is a workaholic just like his dad?  Is it because my son is not biologically his? Is it because he could not get custody of his son no matter what he tried?  I have ALWAYS SAID and maintain to DH, you treat your son like you WANTED to be treated as a child and you treat mine like you WERE treated as a child.  #FML.  One woman can’t take the pressure.  I need help but no one seems to be able to help me.  Some days I wish I could just walk away.  I gave up having more children of my own for this.

#7 A Friend

Not sure where to go with this one.  I have had friends over the years.  Some good, some not so good.  Right now, at 37 in my adult life….I would have to say I do not have any super close friends.

From 21 till now I have been raising a super high need-special need child.  From 26 onward I was responsible for those two stepkids that I keep mentioning want nothing to do with us….thanks bio mom, your PAS worked!  And carting them back and forth to school, activities etc on weekends and the 12+ days we had them a month, wore me out!

Being at home making meals, doing laundry and relaxing after my full time job were how I spent my “down time”.  Weekends were spent with or without hubby.  Friends were not high on the priority list.

I was able to make friends at work, but being so far away not as easy to get together on weekends…plus working together and hanging out can be a bit much of a good thing lol.  The past few years, I have been able to make friends in the various churches we have attended, but nothing that lasted.  People moved away, started their own families, moved churches etc.

Now, I have met two friends I would consider in my inner circle.  One is a stepmom, and has suffered depression as I, she is a bit older but in an older wiser sister kind of way.  The other is also older, has a special needs child who is even more needier than mine.  I feel able to share, let loose, cry and laugh with both these special friends.

At the same time, my life is still busy but in another way.  Chronic fatigue takes over and I am not able to do as much as I used to.  Time at home and relaxing has been my main goal as of late.  I do cherish and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and I don’t have a best or favourite friend.  They all shine just as bright in my eyes!

Moving Forward

Best. Decision. Ever.

So if you recall such posts as…ok the one right before this….

I had decided to go see a fertility psychologist.  And hallelujah, praise the Lord, I can FINALLY move on.  But moving on does not mean forgetting.  Or grieving.  It just means that I can go on with my life.  Not staying stuck.  I have confirmation that it is OK to grieve, to be sad.  And I am entitled to grieve the loss of that dream and hope.

There will always be a part of me sad that my DH and I could not have a child together. There will always be the sadness of being a stepmom to kids who don’t want another mother figure.  There will always be a sadness that my own child has special needs, and I can’t fix them for him.  These are losses, and they will be grieved.

BUT I can move on, looking ahead to the next decade of my life.  How can I help others?  Where do my gifting’s lie?  What kind of job do I want to do for the next 10 years?  Do I want to retire early? Travel? Get involved in missions? Yes Yes Yes!

I can FINALLY focus on myself.  The drama of stepmother-hood will always be there, but having an empty nest is wonderful.  Time for all the things I enjoy, and most importantly time for DH and I to have that honeymoon phase we never did.

The psychologist even suggested that this was something I should do, focus on that man and our marriage, and we can do this in a way we never could before.  Not with the stress and drama of all the baggage from our past mistakes, and the fallout of the collateral damage with our kids.

It’s MY time.  It’s OUR time.

It’s TIME!

Humph!

So I am taking a post off from my gratitude challenge posts.

Humph is how I feel these days.

All of life is crashing in on me and I don’t know where to turn or how to find my way out.  I have been on antidepressants for about two years, when my Ataxia symptoms started getting bad, when my sons issues for lack of a better term started ramping up, and when my marriage was at a crossing road….and now…..empty nest syndrome, husband working too much….work sucking….and facing I will never have another child, has left me worse off than before.

My stupid idea?  STOP taking my medication to try and get some sleep.  It seems that the meds were causing me to be overly exhausted and I could not sleep for about two months…..that is all I can chalk it up to as now that I have been off for two weeks, I am getting much better rest.  Still tired, but not as exhausted.  Crying alot.  But better rested.

So back to humph.  Where does one go with ones life when one has no clue why they are on earth, no purpose.  Oh sure my Christian friends will tell me God has a purpose for me. But seriously….He is being pretty silent in telling me what that purpose is.

Clearly it is not to be a mom again, clearly it is not to have a family….remember those stepkids are not allowed to consider me or my family part of theirs…..clearly it is not to be wildly romanced by my workaholic husband…..clearly it is not to accomplish any of the things that I set out to do.  Do I sound negative?  Damn right I do.

Just wish I could find that one thing that will give me a purpose.  Something to be passionate about.  I have tried getting into creative things, scrapbooking, coloring, cardmaking, photography, baking….those are all great, but they don’t really accomplish a sense of purpose.  They are fun things.

I want to feel needed.  I want to feel loved.  I want to feel alive.

Maybe I need an on the side boyfriend? LOL……just a thought.

Clearly I need something.

#2 Spouse/Significant Other

So the next topic in the gratitude challenge is Spouse or significant other.

Where to begin, lol.

It all started back in 2001, I was separated and little did I know, my husband of today was going through similar trials. His first “official” (or on paper legal) separation happened in 2001. We didn’t know each other, but the next few years shaped what would become our future together.

Fast forward to 2004, I had been through another abusive relationship, this one damaging my child as well as myself. It had taken me a few years to want to try and even think about dating. And he was yet again finding himself used and kicked out on the street while paying all the bills for his ex and kids.

What a damaged pair we made.

2004, the year of starting over. Together.

Fast forward again to 2007, we had made it through so much. Just those few prior years could be several blog posts all on their own. Still sticking together. I am not sure if we were crazy, or just crazy. Yes we were crazy.  We got married.

The ex’s and kids (and satan working through them) did everything possible to see us fail. We did not. We found God, or rather my husband did. That changed everything. For awhile.

Then we walked away from God….again. Both of us. More drama, more stress and more mistakes.

But God did not walk away from us. Now years later, we are stronger, more focused on what is important. Things are not perfect, there will always be crazy ex’s in the background waiting to bite, and kids who prefer they not have a step mom or step dad. Faith got us through, and faith will keep us together.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I am so thankful for the blessing of a committed husband, who carries me when I can’t go on, who pushes me when I need a kick in the butt, and who challenges me when I need to think differently.

I am grateful for my husband.

52 Somethings of Gratitude Challenge

So as I was pinteresting (made up word) last night, I came across a pin entitled 52 weeks of gratitude challenge.  I have heard of these before, and one of my facebook friends is doing a 365 photo challenge, but I have never attempted to complete one of these challenges.  Bucket List!

If you have been reading my posts this far, you will notice one trend…..As much as I am trying not to be bitter about things that are not in my control…but affect me directly, I am SUPER discouraged and bitter and trying hard to get out from under it.  Partly depression, partly me being one of those people that always cheers for the underdog-I HATE Un-fairness.  In any shape or form.  When things are not right, I have issues.

So…enter the challenge.  I thought to myself, what better way to help me focus on the positive instead of the negative (or at least the crap that I can’t and never will change).

52 weeks to me sounds way too long, but if I try and do this in 52 days it will also fail given my schedule.  How about we say 52 somethings…I will do a challenge # when I need to.  That may mean writing on a challenge a few times a week or only once.  But I will get ‘er done! (yes I am country…can’t take that out of me).

This completes my first post, which is 1. Why start this challenge.

Check!

Discombobulated

dis·com·bob·u·late

ˌdiskəmˈbäbyəlāt/

verb

North Americanhumorous

past tense: discombobulated; past participle: discombobulated

1. disconcert or confuse (someone).

   “this attitude totally discombobulated Bruce”

 Ya…..that’s me.  So awhile back my Dr. informed me that I was having a “nervous breakdown”.  This being that I had gone through some extremely difficult circumstances…and still was.  Not one, but about five or six things that most people go through only one at a time.  I had multiple issues to deal with.  I told her I could not stop crying all the time and was fed up but could not change anything and felt overwhelmed and helpless.

So I did what I had to do and just kept trudging along….day after day…..looking after everyone else.  When no one was looking after me.  I kept working.  I kept advocating.  I kept breathing.

Fast forward to a discussion I had with a teen in my life.  Telling me this and I quote “well if you are having a nervous breakdown you should just stop working like my mom”.  Really?!  Like who will pay my bills?  Um, ya that’s not an option.  I don’t have an ex husband AND a boyfriend helping pay my bills.  I am not able to “just stop working”.

I don’t have options.  Well I guess I have one, I could just give up, not care about my bills and stop working.  No, that is not me.  I was not raised to be lazy, but to deal with things head on.  Not to give up.  To lean on God for my strength.  I was blessed to have an amazing family who instilled a good work ethic but also given determination through my genes and a crazy strength.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me-Philippians 4:13

So, I can do all things….but sometimes it would be nice to have a little support.  My husband is supportive but working a 60+ hour workweek does not leave much time to help.  Weekends I am in my glory, he cooks for me and helps with the dishes and laundry.  Taking Sunday to rest with me and trying to incorporate at least one or two date nights in there a month.  I know I am blessed to have a husband who cares and works so hard at a job that is a dead end job with no benefits or sick days and few possibilities for other employment.  He does his best.

Everyone who knows me well asks me, how do you do it? How do you keep going?  Honestly, the only reason I have gotten through all the things I have is God.  I know He is real, He is there for me and He will sustain. But to live that out each and every day is hard.

I have bad days.

My life feels well discombobulated.  It’s a crazy mess of trials and trouble.  But at the same time, .I am SO blessed beyond belief.  THAT is what gets me through.  To know that in the midst of any trial or trouble, I am BLESSED.