#9 How Did You/Do You Feel?

I suppose I did not follow/read this gratitude challenge correctly….I feel that maybe I misread #8 and as such now #9 does not follow and would not make sense….so I am abandoning the sequence and going my own way….as I so often do 😉

How do I feel?  Actually not too bad.  I have been trying to figure it out.  My life still sucks in so many ways, it’s not at all what I wanted at this stage and age of my life, however I have grown and changed so much in the last little while.

I am not sure if this is due to my health issues-not having the energy I used to, or just growing older.  I really don’t like or can’t handle dealing with bullshit any longer!

Yay for me.

I have come to realize that putting myself first is not selfish.  Not when I am more often than not the one to compromise.

It’s time for me.  Time to discover new things, and enjoy the things I love.  Time for some photography, time for making a new friend, time for a massage?! Oh ya!

Feelings are strange things.  I have leftover feelings from things that began but never really ended.  I have feelings about situations that are out of my control and I so desperately want to have control for them to turn out the way I want.  I have feelings for all the small day to day things that happen.

Oh feelings.

May the next decade of my life be a journey of feelings.

Just Stuff

Not really in the writing mood today so this post will be a little here and a little there.

I am realizing how much I do enjoy putting my thoughts on paper….or rather in type.  Life goal, bigger picture…write a book.  Not sure if it will be an auto biographical work or something relating to the bigger challenges of raising a son with special needs.  Something to help inspire others that is for sure.

Today I am sniffling, sneezing, and trying to get some work done at home.  It is a bonus to be able to work from home some days, and I try to organize my time so that I am the most productive in the morning.  For some reason, the past three weeks on the day I have been working from home, I am CONSTANTLY sniffling and sneezing with a runny nose.  I have attributed this to allergies to dust since I live in a very old home with traffic close by.  I see layers of dust, clean it and then a few hours later see more.  It’s a horrible thing.  I have bad allergies on the best of days but nothing like lately. Hmmmmm, another reason to convince DH to move!

Now that we have outgrown our home, or rather under grown our home, as empty nesters it would be great to have a smaller space.  Or at least a better layout.  When raising a blended family we had (and still do) have limited finances, so this house was the best we could do.  We purchased it with combining two houses and hopefully growing our family in mind.  Now that we are past that stage, and don’t want any boomerang kids, it would be great to have something just for DH and I.  Away from the good and bad memories of the blended family years.

Starting to read some more again, picked up Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, on the suggestion of the psychologist.  Only introduction and part of Ch 1 read and already I am feeling like I have a kindred spirit in Ms. Martin….and all the other women out there who were set up to fail even before they began.  A little girl’s dreams for the future never include “I want to be a stepmom”.  Glad to have others that can relate and looking forward to reading this cover to cover.

Life is good.

Moving Forward

Best. Decision. Ever.

So if you recall such posts as…ok the one right before this….

I had decided to go see a fertility psychologist.  And hallelujah, praise the Lord, I can FINALLY move on.  But moving on does not mean forgetting.  Or grieving.  It just means that I can go on with my life.  Not staying stuck.  I have confirmation that it is OK to grieve, to be sad.  And I am entitled to grieve the loss of that dream and hope.

There will always be a part of me sad that my DH and I could not have a child together. There will always be the sadness of being a stepmom to kids who don’t want another mother figure.  There will always be a sadness that my own child has special needs, and I can’t fix them for him.  These are losses, and they will be grieved.

BUT I can move on, looking ahead to the next decade of my life.  How can I help others?  Where do my gifting’s lie?  What kind of job do I want to do for the next 10 years?  Do I want to retire early? Travel? Get involved in missions? Yes Yes Yes!

I can FINALLY focus on myself.  The drama of stepmother-hood will always be there, but having an empty nest is wonderful.  Time for all the things I enjoy, and most importantly time for DH and I to have that honeymoon phase we never did.

The psychologist even suggested that this was something I should do, focus on that man and our marriage, and we can do this in a way we never could before.  Not with the stress and drama of all the baggage from our past mistakes, and the fallout of the collateral damage with our kids.

It’s MY time.  It’s OUR time.

It’s TIME!

Best Year Ever!

Oh my goodness…oh my goodness…oh my goodness!

This year I have decided, will be my BEST year ever!  True story.

I am so excited for the year to start and see what lies ahead.  I am so embracing all my blessings and all the wonderful things in my life.

I am truly living for each moment.

Wow.  I know.  If you have been following my blog, I bet you think I fell and hit my head.

What prompted this new outlook and will it continue?  I am hoping so.

A few things have changed.  First and probably the most important: My husband.

He has been REALLY stepping up over the past year.  I didn’t see it all at first.  I guess I kind of hit rock bottom last year.  Everything around us was falling apart.  Not us per sea, but everything around us.  The worst of the worst.  Kid issues, financial problems, health problems…it just kept coming and coming.  Enter my honey.  Wow.  He was the rock I needed last year.  The voice of reason.  The one who kept me going.

That’s not to say he doesn’t have his baggage (and there is a whole truckload of it from ex’s to family to job issues).  But he really came together when we needed it.  He treated me (and still is) like a queen.  When I could not pull anything together, he kept it all going, the dishes and laundry done, the food on the table cooked oh so wonderfully, the kick in the butt that I needed many days. (and still do haha!) Making my lunch for work, coffee for the road, encouraging me to go out and socialize sans him, make new friends, help me remember what I was trying to say when I could not get the words out (yes this health stuff sucks) He just did it all.

Now I don’t want to take advantage, but all this pampering has been sooooo nice.  When I was the one doing EVERYTHING for so many years.  He cut back on his work hours where he could and actually spent TIME with me.  Quality time.  We had coffees together, talked together, watched stupid movies together….wow.

THAT was what I needed.

So that all happened.  True story.  It’s still happening.  And whatever you want to call it, my burnout, breakdown, depression.  It’s getting better day by day. Not gone, but better.

Medication.  I cut it out.  Tapered off for two weeks and now NOTHING for two months.

Sleep.  I am sleeping better.  Still not enough and not necessarily good sleep but that is being dealt with through the Dr.

His crazy ex.  Oh my goodness.  Wow.  I have a whole new perspective on this.  For so many years it bothered me that she got it all.  The kids with him, his money (and still is) and a new house….all while being lazy and taking advantage of others while I work my butt off.  Oh how things have changed, at least as far as how I feel about this.

Have been filled in on what is really going on in her house.  By someone close to the situation.  Really close.  Credible.  Wow.  It makes me just feel sad for her.  Pathetic is a word I don’t like using, but in this case it really suits.  I could go on and on about how sad it is, and what a mess she is….but I don’t need to put her down more than she already is.  Wow.  I don’t even think she can see it.  She has never grown up.  Still addicted to men, and substances.  Still can’t parent her kids.  Still can’t pay her bills without using others.  Actually committing fraud!! (God will take care of that I am sure) Wow.  A walking mess.  I actually feel bad for her that this life of hers is what she is living and what she will be left with.  The mentality she is leaving her kids with, the horrible attitudes and crazy fights in that house.  Wow.  An abundant life is not the one she is living for sure. Not abundant in any way. Wow.

I am SO beyond blessed at this stage of my life.  Even with things crumbling around me, I have MANY friends who are caring, loving and know the real me.  Love me for me.  I have a super hubby who has come out of a traumatic relationship with baggage, and can not only love me but really identify WHY he loves me and what that means to him.  I have step kids that one day hopefully will realize the impact I have had on them, and I will just continue to mentor when they are around, hoping that some good will come of it.  I have a son who through his major and many struggles, loves me a ton and is close to me.  A supportive workplace and network of friends to keep me going.  Social outlets.  Creative outlets.  I am not rich, and while we struggle with money, I am still blessed to have a home, a car, food, clothes. Be able to purchase little happy items when the mood hits.  SO blessed.

And last but THE only reason I have all of these blessings is because I have a Savior who created and loves me and cares beyond anything explainable.

I am blessed.

52 Somethings of Gratitude Challenge

So as I was pinteresting (made up word) last night, I came across a pin entitled 52 weeks of gratitude challenge.  I have heard of these before, and one of my facebook friends is doing a 365 photo challenge, but I have never attempted to complete one of these challenges.  Bucket List!

If you have been reading my posts this far, you will notice one trend…..As much as I am trying not to be bitter about things that are not in my control…but affect me directly, I am SUPER discouraged and bitter and trying hard to get out from under it.  Partly depression, partly me being one of those people that always cheers for the underdog-I HATE Un-fairness.  In any shape or form.  When things are not right, I have issues.

So…enter the challenge.  I thought to myself, what better way to help me focus on the positive instead of the negative (or at least the crap that I can’t and never will change).

52 weeks to me sounds way too long, but if I try and do this in 52 days it will also fail given my schedule.  How about we say 52 somethings…I will do a challenge # when I need to.  That may mean writing on a challenge a few times a week or only once.  But I will get ‘er done! (yes I am country…can’t take that out of me).

This completes my first post, which is 1. Why start this challenge.

Check!

Happy Happy Happy!

So I am not stealing a Duck Dynasty line there….I am really focusing on being HAPPY! Maybe content is more like it.

I had the opportunity to sit in on some of the anger management sessions that are being taught to my teen. I have two new ideas that are going to help me in my own frustration department.

You may have read my earlier post, letters we will never send, written after many years of dealing with my husband’s crazy ex. What I learned fits in so well with this….first off, think of ABC.

There will always be an (A) asshole (think crazy ex for example) two there is (B) my own behavior…I can choose to be angry and upset and let it ruin my day, but I have the control and can choose to not let it upset me. To realize that assholes will be assholes. The (C) is consequence, if my behavior is to look for ways to make her miserable too then there will most likely be a consequence (ways to sabotage her run through my mind….but don’t want to wind up in jail lol) so the A will always exist, I can control the B and then there will be no C.

Another strategy is to change my mind in the here and now, so I am not using self talk and obsessing over how angry I am. Having someone ask me questions, what are five things you see? feel? hear? This forces my brain to leave its anger and focus on something else.

A few little tips to help me in my quest to not let assholes affect my day to day life.

So on to the Happy Happy Happy.

If you let it happiness could be dependent on what you think life should be.  My life will never be what I think it should.  What I dreamed it should.  That being said, I can look at the positives that I have that others do not.

I have a super awesome hardworking husband, an awesome job, supportive friends, a great church community, and my son is a blessing even through his challenges, a car, a house, food to eat (although getting sick of hot dogs…budget cuts you know).

Most important and above all the rest, I have a loving God who has carried me through the most challenging and painful of times, and He gives me the Hope to carry on through my Faith.

My challenge to myself is to come up with some goals, first being that I am going to try and spend half an hour each day in prayer, not necessarily a consecutive thirty minutes.

Second is a challenge that I need to start focusing on all the hobbies I have neglected while looking after everyone else.  Scrap booking (let’s finish those albums) and photography.

My third challenge is that I will share my photography or my blessings on this blog.  To become a more consistent and positive blogger, even if no one reads my blog lol.

I have more goals and challenges….things on my bucket list too but I will save those for another post.

Signed,

Working on being Happy, Happy, Happy!