#9 How Did You/Do You Feel?

I suppose I did not follow/read this gratitude challenge correctly….I feel that maybe I misread #8 and as such now #9 does not follow and would not make sense….so I am abandoning the sequence and going my own way….as I so often do 😉

How do I feel?  Actually not too bad.  I have been trying to figure it out.  My life still sucks in so many ways, it’s not at all what I wanted at this stage and age of my life, however I have grown and changed so much in the last little while.

I am not sure if this is due to my health issues-not having the energy I used to, or just growing older.  I really don’t like or can’t handle dealing with bullshit any longer!

Yay for me.

I have come to realize that putting myself first is not selfish.  Not when I am more often than not the one to compromise.

It’s time for me.  Time to discover new things, and enjoy the things I love.  Time for some photography, time for making a new friend, time for a massage?! Oh ya!

Feelings are strange things.  I have leftover feelings from things that began but never really ended.  I have feelings about situations that are out of my control and I so desperately want to have control for them to turn out the way I want.  I have feelings for all the small day to day things that happen.

Oh feelings.

May the next decade of my life be a journey of feelings.

#8 Express gratitude to 3 people

So today I am on a roll…..2 posts!

Continuing with my gratitude challenge, now up to #8.  Express gratitude to 3 people.

This is not hard.  At least in theory it should not be.  I have SO many people who have blessed my life.  In SO many ways.

I guess to help me narrow it down, I will think of more recent peeps in my life.

First person, my hubby of course.  We have had a crazy roller coaster journey over the past 12 years.  He is my #1 fan, and for that I am so grateful.  I need a fan.  Usually to give me the kick in the butt that I need.  And I need it most weeks.  I get discouraged very easily, but he does not seem to run out of positive encouragement for me even when I have been down for awhile.  He never gives up.  Is he perfect? No of course not, he does have his moments.  But he continues on continuing on with me on this crazy hard and some days sad journey.  We have gone through so much struggle and drama, and come out the other side so much stronger and connected for it.  I know I can count on him and I know that he is there cheering me.  And for that I am grateful.

Second person, my birth mom.  Now you are probably thinking I am going to say I am grateful to her for giving me life. That’s kind of a no brainer.  No, I am talking about being grateful to have met her so I can find out who I am.  To know myself.  We are alike and different in so many ways, but understanding where and who I come from (at least on her side) has helped me get a better understanding of why I do some of the things I do.  DNA is a wacky thing.  Family traits even wackier lol.

Third and definitely not last is my son.  I am so grateful for having been blessed with him.  Though a long and very difficult journey raising him, a roller coaster until itself,   I feel I have learned more from him than anyone else in this life.  I feel as though he is the teacher and I am the student.  With all of his learning, mental health and developmental struggles, he never gives up.  (leading also back to my birth mother and our family trait of resilience which thankfully both my son and I have inherited).  This little boy has grown so much, going through tremendous trauma, and into an almost-man who battles addiction, disability, PTSD and more.  He never ceases to inspire me to keep going. As a mother, I pray for him and hope that he never gives up.  My wish for him is to become happy and whole in his own way and that he reaches his full potential.  I am immensely grateful to be part of his life and be one of the people who has helped shape him into who he is and will become.

#7 A Friend

Not sure where to go with this one.  I have had friends over the years.  Some good, some not so good.  Right now, at 37 in my adult life….I would have to say I do not have any super close friends.

From 21 till now I have been raising a super high need-special need child.  From 26 onward I was responsible for those two stepkids that I keep mentioning want nothing to do with us….thanks bio mom, your PAS worked!  And carting them back and forth to school, activities etc on weekends and the 12+ days we had them a month, wore me out!

Being at home making meals, doing laundry and relaxing after my full time job were how I spent my “down time”.  Weekends were spent with or without hubby.  Friends were not high on the priority list.

I was able to make friends at work, but being so far away not as easy to get together on weekends…plus working together and hanging out can be a bit much of a good thing lol.  The past few years, I have been able to make friends in the various churches we have attended, but nothing that lasted.  People moved away, started their own families, moved churches etc.

Now, I have met two friends I would consider in my inner circle.  One is a stepmom, and has suffered depression as I, she is a bit older but in an older wiser sister kind of way.  The other is also older, has a special needs child who is even more needier than mine.  I feel able to share, let loose, cry and laugh with both these special friends.

At the same time, my life is still busy but in another way.  Chronic fatigue takes over and I am not able to do as much as I used to.  Time at home and relaxing has been my main goal as of late.  I do cherish and look forward to the time I spend with my friends and I don’t have a best or favourite friend.  They all shine just as bright in my eyes!

#6 The city you live in

Ummmm.  Small.  That is one way to describe it.  I don’t actually live in a city (thank goodness).  I was raised in the country, and in the country I will remain.  Until such time as I may need health services closer by.

I tried living in the city.  Once.  That was enough.  I was raised in a quiet community of about 1500, on the outskirts of town.  Today, I have one neighbour.  The closest city of about 10k is half hour drive from me.  I like it this way.

Going to “the big city” is an hour, and something to look forward to, just like when I was young.  Shopping may be more expensive in my little community, but the peace and nature surrounding me beats staring at asphalt all day long.

There is something to be said for coyotes and deer in your backyard!

#5 Something Someone Gave You

Something someone gave me?  Let me think about this.

Trying to think about things, details of the past (or even present) is hard for me these days.  I am not sure if this has to do with getting old, (not sure if under 40 is considered old…but I feel old) or if it is another side effect of my Ataxia? Or maybe just my burnout.  I don’t know.

The first thing (ok the only thing) that I can think of that someone gave me, was a bible.  A New Living Translation Bible, that is titled, the Spiritual Renewal Bible.

One of my aunt’s gave it to me, as I was admiring it, when I was visiting at a family function.  She just gave it to me, like it was nothing-“here you go”!  Wow.  That was so nice and thoughtful, but more so is the thought of what that bible means to me.

I have gone through many valleys in life, not too many peak’s.  I do try and be cheerful and loving through it, but I can honestly say life has not been kind in so many ways.  The dreams I had as a child….turned into nightmares.  Now I am left to pick up and keep going over and over as an adult….and I have been close at times and far at times from God…but He has been there all along.  Never leaving.  Always Faithful.

This bible is not just a gift, one from an aunt-who I really thought did not really think much about me…I am just another family member.  This family member who has walked away from God so many times. Well not walked away, just been very angry with God. Who has backslidden.

To understand you have to know my family.  That side.  They are the “goodie two shoes” side as I call it.  They appear perfect.  Or so I thought as a child.  Now I know different.  All of my aunts and uncles, have at least one child who has wandered away from God, done their own thing, and in some cases really screwed things up.  They are not perfect, and I am not alone.  I thought all this time, I was being judged by them when in fact, they see me equally and pray and hope my life goes well along with my other cousins.  The gift of this bible from my aunt, which maybe she didn’t even give a second thought about, was a signal to me that I am loved and cared about.

The bible itself, speaks to me on so many levels.  It’s a bible, how can it not?  I carry it with me to church, and at home. Do I read it as much as I should? No.  But it is the bible I use most of the time, and highlight, and even read the footnotes to go deeper.

The title, Spiritual Renewal, makes me remember that it is never too late.  Our spirits can always be renewed and need to be renewed and refreshed.

It reminds me, we are all loved.

# 4 A Family Member

So in this 52 weeks (or days or months….weeks are not my schedule). I am up to #4.  A Family Member.  I have a few choice family members I could write novels about….however I am trying to stay positive.  Trying to keep this inspiring for myself more than anyone and I tend to get sucked into depressive thoughts no matter how hard I try.  This is why I choose to write about someone who both inspires and worries me.

My son.  My only child.

My son was born after a very traumatic pregnancy and birth.  He entered the world stressed out….and has been trying to grab onto anything that he can find to de-stress him ever since.  He also has caused everyone around him a world of stress.  From day one there was something off about him, one can’t quite put their finger on it, but he is special.  Ever since the world (doctors, therapists, teachers, friends, family, etc), including myself have been trying to figure out what label to place on him.

It started off at 4.  ADHD, ADD, then moved onto high anxiety. Then learning disabled.  Severely learning disabled.  Then high intelligence.  Then behavior issues, ODD.  Personality disorder. The list goes on and on. But one thing remains, there is no label you can find that fits him.  He is one of a kind!

His life includes trauma of proportions we are still not sure about.  It includes an over protective mommy (me! go mom go) who has done her best to find the absolute most help out there for him…and still feel like I have failed.  It includes family on all sides who (mostly with the exception of my parents) did not step up when he and mom needed help and support, leaving him feeling like a failure and mom a depressed mess.  It includes doctors who really have no clue and turned him into a pharmaceutical guinea pig, ending in him almost losing his life.  it includes a school board whose instructions to staff almost caused his death. literally.

Son, who feels like a failure, who society has deemed a failure and who still to this day can’t get the help he needs, even after enlisting the help of many community supports.

There is hope for him……Watching him get to this point and asking the school board in meetings why he can’t get a one on one program to help him to learn to read.  Why he asks, was he shuffled to over 10 different schools when we have never even moved….not once in the past 11 years.  Watching him taking on the anger that I had for so many years, in so many school meetings that went nowhere.  Watching how he is taking it on now, himself.  He is starting to grow up.  With a long road ahead and much maturing to do….it is beginning.

After watching him go through 16 years of this and walking alongside him….knowing that he also has a responsibility for his behavior but that so much of it is due to extreme frustration and not being able to function like his peers….watching himself drown in substance abuse and not being able to help…..I realize that I have done the best I could, with what I had and the supports I was given.  I have done my absolute best to utilize every program that was affordable, every idea or suggestion, every book I could get my hands on…..everything in my power to help and even more, I have enlisted God’s help along the way….and many times have not seen much fruit.

Fast forwarding to now, I am realizing that there is nothing more I could have done, I am being told over and over that I need to just let it all go because it is now affecting my own health.  That is hard for a mom to hear.  That is hard for anyone to be told they need to sit back and watch someone continue to self destruct.  But maybe it is time.

A good friend pointed out that I have given him the absolute best base I could, and now it is up to him.  Sink or swim.  It is time to let go.

#3 Family

So post 3 of my gratitude challenge is supposed to be on family.

Family means something different to everyone.  It may mean the family you grew up with, biological or otherwise.  It may mean your friends, or work family.  It may mean the family you have as a single parent or with a significant other.

For as long as I can remember, all I wanted was a family of my own.  A family as an adult-one with children, biological or otherwise that would include several children, and a a loving spouse.

What I got in return for my prayers and dreams.  An ex spouse, a child at a young age with said ex, a new husband with two children in tow, and no more of my own children, biological or otherwise.

Wow.

So for me, family is not yet a complete thing.  It is not done.  I am waiting for God to bless me with others in my life that I can consider family.  More people for me to love.

The process of becoming a family unit has not happened for numerous reasons in our blended family.  I firmly believe though that God is not done with us yet, we have walked through fire and are still walking….albeit limping and wounded.  I am standing in the circle of prayer that God will bless us and make us a family, and that there is still one child missing.  I do believe that God will answer prayer.

That being said…..I am in the desert, I am still wandering, although I claim the promises of God, I have been waiting so long, building my patience, or character as some may say…that I have gone through many seasons of others having children, watching their children grow up….seeing all the baby announcements on facebook, being invited to baby showers (which I do not attend out of principle) and all the rest of the hoopla that goes with a new birth or adoption.  I have listened to those in the church say children are a blessing from the Lord and the more you have the more blessed you are….apparently I am cursed.

Living with a circumstantial depression has not been easy.  It has been almost life threatening.  No it has been life threatening.  I can say that the past year or so I have been fine with others having children, happy for them and had moved on to the reality that in my life it would not happen….still no baby showers, but I was no longer jealous.

Now, lately, this depression has reared its ugly head again. I know now that I am going to live with the regret of not having another child for the rest of my life.  It just is.

Family to me is not complete.

52 Somethings of Gratitude Challenge

So as I was pinteresting (made up word) last night, I came across a pin entitled 52 weeks of gratitude challenge.  I have heard of these before, and one of my facebook friends is doing a 365 photo challenge, but I have never attempted to complete one of these challenges.  Bucket List!

If you have been reading my posts this far, you will notice one trend…..As much as I am trying not to be bitter about things that are not in my control…but affect me directly, I am SUPER discouraged and bitter and trying hard to get out from under it.  Partly depression, partly me being one of those people that always cheers for the underdog-I HATE Un-fairness.  In any shape or form.  When things are not right, I have issues.

So…enter the challenge.  I thought to myself, what better way to help me focus on the positive instead of the negative (or at least the crap that I can’t and never will change).

52 weeks to me sounds way too long, but if I try and do this in 52 days it will also fail given my schedule.  How about we say 52 somethings…I will do a challenge # when I need to.  That may mean writing on a challenge a few times a week or only once.  But I will get ‘er done! (yes I am country…can’t take that out of me).

This completes my first post, which is 1. Why start this challenge.

Check!