#9 How Did You/Do You Feel?

I suppose I did not follow/read this gratitude challenge correctly….I feel that maybe I misread #8 and as such now #9 does not follow and would not make sense….so I am abandoning the sequence and going my own way….as I so often do 😉

How do I feel?  Actually not too bad.  I have been trying to figure it out.  My life still sucks in so many ways, it’s not at all what I wanted at this stage and age of my life, however I have grown and changed so much in the last little while.

I am not sure if this is due to my health issues-not having the energy I used to, or just growing older.  I really don’t like or can’t handle dealing with bullshit any longer!

Yay for me.

I have come to realize that putting myself first is not selfish.  Not when I am more often than not the one to compromise.

It’s time for me.  Time to discover new things, and enjoy the things I love.  Time for some photography, time for making a new friend, time for a massage?! Oh ya!

Feelings are strange things.  I have leftover feelings from things that began but never really ended.  I have feelings about situations that are out of my control and I so desperately want to have control for them to turn out the way I want.  I have feelings for all the small day to day things that happen.

Oh feelings.

May the next decade of my life be a journey of feelings.

#8 Express gratitude to 3 people

So today I am on a roll…..2 posts!

Continuing with my gratitude challenge, now up to #8.  Express gratitude to 3 people.

This is not hard.  At least in theory it should not be.  I have SO many people who have blessed my life.  In SO many ways.

I guess to help me narrow it down, I will think of more recent peeps in my life.

First person, my hubby of course.  We have had a crazy roller coaster journey over the past 12 years.  He is my #1 fan, and for that I am so grateful.  I need a fan.  Usually to give me the kick in the butt that I need.  And I need it most weeks.  I get discouraged very easily, but he does not seem to run out of positive encouragement for me even when I have been down for awhile.  He never gives up.  Is he perfect? No of course not, he does have his moments.  But he continues on continuing on with me on this crazy hard and some days sad journey.  We have gone through so much struggle and drama, and come out the other side so much stronger and connected for it.  I know I can count on him and I know that he is there cheering me.  And for that I am grateful.

Second person, my birth mom.  Now you are probably thinking I am going to say I am grateful to her for giving me life. That’s kind of a no brainer.  No, I am talking about being grateful to have met her so I can find out who I am.  To know myself.  We are alike and different in so many ways, but understanding where and who I come from (at least on her side) has helped me get a better understanding of why I do some of the things I do.  DNA is a wacky thing.  Family traits even wackier lol.

Third and definitely not last is my son.  I am so grateful for having been blessed with him.  Though a long and very difficult journey raising him, a roller coaster until itself,   I feel I have learned more from him than anyone else in this life.  I feel as though he is the teacher and I am the student.  With all of his learning, mental health and developmental struggles, he never gives up.  (leading also back to my birth mother and our family trait of resilience which thankfully both my son and I have inherited).  This little boy has grown so much, going through tremendous trauma, and into an almost-man who battles addiction, disability, PTSD and more.  He never ceases to inspire me to keep going. As a mother, I pray for him and hope that he never gives up.  My wish for him is to become happy and whole in his own way and that he reaches his full potential.  I am immensely grateful to be part of his life and be one of the people who has helped shape him into who he is and will become.

#2 Spouse/Significant Other

So the next topic in the gratitude challenge is Spouse or significant other.

Where to begin, lol.

It all started back in 2001, I was separated and little did I know, my husband of today was going through similar trials. His first “official” (or on paper legal) separation happened in 2001. We didn’t know each other, but the next few years shaped what would become our future together.

Fast forward to 2004, I had been through another abusive relationship, this one damaging my child as well as myself. It had taken me a few years to want to try and even think about dating. And he was yet again finding himself used and kicked out on the street while paying all the bills for his ex and kids.

What a damaged pair we made.

2004, the year of starting over. Together.

Fast forward again to 2007, we had made it through so much. Just those few prior years could be several blog posts all on their own. Still sticking together. I am not sure if we were crazy, or just crazy. Yes we were crazy.  We got married.

The ex’s and kids (and satan working through them) did everything possible to see us fail. We did not. We found God, or rather my husband did. That changed everything. For awhile.

Then we walked away from God….again. Both of us. More drama, more stress and more mistakes.

But God did not walk away from us. Now years later, we are stronger, more focused on what is important. Things are not perfect, there will always be crazy ex’s in the background waiting to bite, and kids who prefer they not have a step mom or step dad. Faith got us through, and faith will keep us together.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I am so thankful for the blessing of a committed husband, who carries me when I can’t go on, who pushes me when I need a kick in the butt, and who challenges me when I need to think differently.

I am grateful for my husband.

52 Somethings of Gratitude Challenge

So as I was pinteresting (made up word) last night, I came across a pin entitled 52 weeks of gratitude challenge.  I have heard of these before, and one of my facebook friends is doing a 365 photo challenge, but I have never attempted to complete one of these challenges.  Bucket List!

If you have been reading my posts this far, you will notice one trend…..As much as I am trying not to be bitter about things that are not in my control…but affect me directly, I am SUPER discouraged and bitter and trying hard to get out from under it.  Partly depression, partly me being one of those people that always cheers for the underdog-I HATE Un-fairness.  In any shape or form.  When things are not right, I have issues.

So…enter the challenge.  I thought to myself, what better way to help me focus on the positive instead of the negative (or at least the crap that I can’t and never will change).

52 weeks to me sounds way too long, but if I try and do this in 52 days it will also fail given my schedule.  How about we say 52 somethings…I will do a challenge # when I need to.  That may mean writing on a challenge a few times a week or only once.  But I will get ‘er done! (yes I am country…can’t take that out of me).

This completes my first post, which is 1. Why start this challenge.

Check!